The Angels' Guide to Defeating the Red Sox -- From Over The Monster

Hello, West Coasters!

Randy here from your favorite Red Sox blog, Yeah, sure, I know you and I don't get along very well. We're water, you're oil. We're ice cream, you're pickles. We're good baseball, and you're, well, the opposite of good baseball.

But have no fear Halo Lovers. I'm here to bring you a primer to the Boston Red Sox. If your team follows my tips, then your team might actually win this series win a game in this series:

Jacoby Ellsbury
Throw him pitches outside of the strike zone, because the guy doesn't like to walk and he'll swing at bad pitches. Basically: throw him crap - he'll bite.

Dustin Pedroia
This guy really doesn't strikeout a lot, so you better hope he hits one into the dirt.

Victor Martinez
Just remind him that he used to be an Indian. The memories will shock his system back into to Cleveland Mode.

Kevin Youkilis
Best way to keep him from hitting the ball: hit him. He'll really like that. Try it.

David Ortiz
Put a shift on him and you'll be all set.

Jason Bay
Three words: curveball, curveball, curveball. If he hits a home run against any Angels starter, I guarantee it's because someone - for who knows what reason - throws him a fastball.

Mike Lowell
Throw him pitches where he can't hit the ball out of the infield. Then the Halos will have literally 10+ seconds to gather the ball, brush the dirt off of it, stretch a little, then lob the ball to first base for the out.

J.D. Drew
Three words: high fastball, high fastball, high fastball. Get two strikes on him and throw a fastball around eye level - he'll most likely swing and miss. He's famous for that.

Alex Gonzalez
He loves to walk. So much so that it only took him 28 games to get his first one with the Sox. Be careful of his patience - it could kill.

And the pitching staff:

Jon Lester
It's no secret: it's tough to beat Lester (just look at his numbers from June-October). Just hope he reverts back to April form, then you'll be all set.

Josh Beckett
This one is easy: just have one of Beckett's ex-girlfriends sing the National Anthem. Actually, that didn't work for the Indians. Piss him off though, somehow, and he'll get all uppity and probably be a little wild.

Clay Buchholz
Like V-Mart, remind Clay how he pitched with the Sox last season. And the year before. Shake a little voodoo stick at him and he unbuckles faster than a drunk Lindsay Lohan.

Daisuke Matsuzaka
Get a walk or a hit when he loads the bases and the Angels will be all set. There will be plenty of opportunities for this. Dice-K loves it that way.

Jonathan Papelbon
All the Angels need to do is sit fastball. Every. Single. Pitch.

The rest of the bullpen
Yeah, I can't even joke about this bullpen. They're pretty nasty.

Good luck, Angels fans! And if you ever want to talk intelligent baseball, head on over to The Monster.

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