I gots me a shiny new red laptop, a bit of time on my hands, and cold beers in a sunny garden in London. ... That can only mean it's time to play the second edition of "What type of Angels fan are YOU?"
Rules are simple. Just like last year, it's a little quiz that says a bit about your personality type by the way you watch the Angels. Mark down your reactions to these 5 scenarios, tally up the results, then see how you fare in the handy scoring key after the jump.
Fess up in the comments about what type of Angels fan you are, and why you are that type of fan. If you're schizo, don't worry about it.
Here goes! ...
1. A White Sox player rips one to center, and it's heading for the Rockpile. Torii Hunter comes out of nowhere, elevates like Jordan and crashes into the wall for an amazing grab. But after a nasty faceplant, Hunter has to be helped off the field. You:
a) think "Dammit! There goes our season, now we're gonna have Matthews in center the rest of the year. Maybe Pettit is ready at Salt Lake. No, he's hurt. Damn injuries!" Sulk.
b) shout "MVP! MV-F---ING-P! MVP!" You try to high-five your buddy, but he's looking at some chick’s boobs in the next row, so you miss like like an Aybar bunt attempt. You spill your beer on a granny in a shiny '70s Angels windbreaker. You say, "Sorry ma’am, what're ya drinking? I’ll get ya a beer." You connect loudly on your second high-five with buddy and granny looks scared to bejeezus. Flex.
c) think about having a hot dog, but instead shift to developing a new obscure defensive stat that measures how many runs an OF saves by crashing into the wall. ... "Hmmm, how about Crash Result Algorhithm Projection (CRAP)? ... I like it!" Snap fingers.
d) say "Whoa, that looked like it hurt. I hope Torii's OK. He's the best center fielder we ever had. Hope he's not out for too long. We need him for the playoffs!" Swallow hard.
e) say "Quentin flied out to center field ... What an awesome grab, bet they won't show that on ESPN!" Wink.
2. First game of the ALDS. Chone Figgins goes 4-for-4 with a triple, a double and a walk, steals two bases, scores three runs, stabs a back-hander down the 3B line to start an inning-ending DP ... but he strikes out looking in the 9th against Papelbon and the Angels lose by a run! You
a) shake head and mutter "Typical Eddings call. We're screwed again! We should have traded Figgins when he had some value! ... And I’ll never get out of this parking lot."
b) head for the men's trough and say to the guy next to you, "Figgy'll get 'em next time!" as you pee a stream of eight (or 10, who's counting?) Budweisers. On the way to your car you see an SUV with a Red Sox pennant on it, so you kick a dent in the side, and all your buddies laugh.
c) thank God I still have Figgins on my Sniff The Glove fantasy team in our keeper league on ESPN!
d) say "That looked like ball-four to me, too! ... Oh well, we'll get the next one and then on to Fenway. Rally up boys! Let's do this for Mister Moreno!"
e) say " Epic Fail, Desmond! FREE Brandon Wood!"
a) bitch that you still think we need Napoli's bat in the lineup because we've got no power, and this is a weak Oakland team, and our division sucks. Mathis sucks too. Not only that, it's too damn hot
b) didn't see the play, because you were in the beer line. You ask your buddy what happened, but before he answers, you see to a guy in a green Oakland T-shirt and say: "What the hell are you looking at, Asshat?"
c) make note to self re: Sniff The Glove: "Mathis Win Shares up."
d) say "Nice peg Jeff! ... Ha ha, maybe that's why they should go back to playing Moneyball." Grin at your buddy.
e) speak some jibberish for fun. "Jeff Mathis contribute fiercely to this teams resistance power. This is why my all friend study this team for encouragement. Each players playing style and run saving system is why I never leave such a match. Luminous!"
4. It's a boring, mechanical 0-0 game against the Mariners and Bobby Abreu hits a two-hopper to second base. Betancourt makes it look easy turning a slick tailor-made double play. Figgins doesn’t bother to slide. You:
a) moan "Is that what we got you for Bobby? That looked just like Erstad, rolling it over to second again. Can't anyone hit the damn baseball?"
b) are sitting in the top deck. You snarl "Shit. Rally killer!" You eat a moth, chase it down with a Dos Equis, and give your hardest home-boy look to the guy in the Ichiro jersey
c) make another note to self: "You know, Abreu's VORP isn't what it used to be. Must e-mail Dayn Perry."
d) look bravely at your neighbour and say, "It's OK, Vlad's up and he's on fire. C'mon, Old Man, pump one out of here!"
e) say to your girlfriend "If GA wasn't so lazy ... ohhh never mind. Ha Ha!" She gives you a blank stare and says "Whatever ..."
5. The bullpen melts down, so we lose 4-3 against Kansas City, blowing a heroic effort from Joe Saunders who throws 111 pitches in a mano-a-mano duel with Greinke. You:
a) mumble "I knew we never should have let Frankie walk. What in the hell is Reagins thinking? No way in hell is this is a first-place team."
b) holler "Fuentes you suck! You suck! ... F--- the Royals, the f---ing Royals! ... C'mon dude, let's go to Hooters. No, let's go to the beach and get stoned."
c) rattle off something about PECOTA that nobody understands, then remind everyone that Bill Pecota made his debut for the Royals in '86 and that's why they call it PECOTA. Get it?
d) say "Oh well. Joe looked awesome. To be honest, the ‘pen probably needs a bit of a rest ... At least we got Weaver on the hill tomorrow!"
e) drive home in a bad mood and gaze despondently at the un-lit Halo as you pass by on the 57. Then you spend two hours Photoshopping a LOSE pic of Brian Fuentes with a gas can in his left hand and you post it on Halos Heaven. But you're happy in a weird way because you got the total strikeouts right in the Pre-Game Guesses, moving you past The Limey and sothball in the spreadsheet ... Dang, 44FAN was right again too!
So now ...
Your handy scoring guide is right after the jump!
YOUR HANDY SCORING GUIDE:
Mostly a) You, poor distressed soul, are Negative Angels Fan. You know who you are. You may be on multiple prescriptions of meds. Possibly an alcoholic too. You are questioning why you are an Angels fan in the first place, because they always let you down. You never wear an Angels cap in public out of shame. It might have something to do with a tough childhood or Dave Henderson. You believe in The Curse. You are thinking about giving up baseball games because the the players all make too much goddam money anyway. Therapy recommended
Mostly b) You are Psycho Angels Fan, mostly optimistic, but you take losses hard. Real hard. Your wife AND your girlfriends are probably smoking hot. You like that bar on Tustin Avenue because it's a REAL ANGELS BAR and they let you smoke there on the sly. It is rumoured that you did a chick on the Strike Force that you met at the National in 2001, but then again you are also rumored to have done some time once at Theo Lacy. The cops at the stadium know you by name, and you know what food they serve at Anaheim Stadium Jail. People say you look a bit like Lance Parrish
Mostly c) You, Sir, are Stat Geek. Insufferable but loveable, you probably earn a mint in insurance or engineering or something like that. You know most of the Angels' BABIPs by heart, and most of the Salt Lake Bees, too. You wrote the book (... well, one post that nobody read) on WSAB. You are in multiple fantasy leagues. You even know what xFIP means. However, you are a valuable resource for things like the economy, and the military, and whenever Ken Burns wants to do another lame documentary. You secretly want to meet Billy Crystal
Mostly d) You – The Faithful - are at the very heart of Angeldom. You are fairly sensible but probably also a bit superstitious. A Halos loss stings you to the core, but you look for a bright side. It makes you happy to think about Mike Scioscia eating spaghetti. You are probably in a loving relationship with a hot significant other who understands your need for red clothing. On October 27, 2002, you cried with joy and a clenched jaw and were not ashamed of it. You might be a journalist, a teacher, pharmaceutical salesman, or even an art critic
Mostly e) You spend far too much time on an intoxicating website called Halos Heaven (that's the 12th Most Important Baseball Blog on the planet, but of course, you knew that!). Going to this site is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night. You are also likely to be one of this website's resident humorists, essayists, or sages, or any of the above personality types.
For the sake of The Soth, Blue Smoke and WildWill ... Get a life, save yourself and your F-bombs! ... It's a trap!