Fuentes and Figgins Text Messaging During ASG
by Zu Long on Jul 14, 2009 11:41 PM PDT
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Print((The following is a parody based loosely on The Dugout in format. Some themes have been carried over from parodies of previous ... seasons All-Star games.))
Top of the 6th
GetFiggyWitit: Brian, you there?
Fuentesaurus: Sup, muchacho?
GetFiggyWitit: I am so freakin' BORED right now.
Fuentesaurus: Si.
GetFiggyWitit: Maddon said he's holding me for a "critical situation." I don't know man, smells like horsecrap to me.
Fuentesaurus: Least you got a chance, man. I'm pretty sure even that n00b from the A's was ahead of me on Joe's depth chart this morning.
GetFiggyWitit: See, like right now, why is Hamilton even still in the game? I can play center. Maddon KNOWS I can play center. And Young is totally about to hit into a double play right here.
Fuentesaurus: The pitcher on the Padres?
GetFiggyWitit: Nah man, the other guy. On Texas.
Fuentesaurus: Oh. Si.
GetFiggyWitit: See!? Right there! Totally called it.
Fuentesaurus: Nice call.
GetFiggyWitit: This is BULLSHIT. I'd have stolen the base and gotten to third on the play.
Fuentesaurus: Si.
Bottom of the 6th
GetFiggyWitit: So like the entire goddamn bench except me just got subbed in.
Fuentesaurus: That sucks, my friend. But hey, Joe hasn't made you fetch Pena's spare jockstrap yet, right? So that is something.
GetFiggyWitit: ...
Fuentesaurus: Oh.
GetFiggyWitit: TWICE
Fuentesaurus: Si. You are getting it up the ass.
Top of the 7th
GetFiggyWitit: GODDAMNIT, I'm gonna kill Maddon.
Fuentesaurus: You should do what I am doing.
GetFiggyWitit: What's that?
Fuentesaurus: You know what 'J's sound like in spanish right?
GetFiggyWitit: Yeah?
Fuentesaurus: There is a reason I keep calling him "Joe."
GetFiggyWitit: ...
Fuentesaurus: Is funny right?
GetFiggyWitit: ...Yeah. Sure Brian. Real funny.
Fuentesaurus: You need to lighten up man.
GetFiggyWitit: Sorry. I just feel like if the NL got ahead again, I KNOW Maddon would have to put me in.
Fuentesaurus: Si. That is why I convinced Papelbon to throw the game by offering to get him a blowjob from some Venezuelan hookers.
Bottom of the 7th
GetFiggyWitit: DUDE! That's awesome! You know some Venezuelan hookers?
Fuentesaurus: Um...no. But that Pabelbon guy is seriously dumber than a box of pinatas. I'll just use some Jedi mind tricks on him.
GetFiggyWitit: You have JEDI powers?
Fuentesaurus: Si. How else are you supposed to average over a strikeout per inning with a fastball that tops out at 90?
GetFiggyWitit: You know, now that you mention it, that does seem kind of odd.
Fuentesaurus: Si.
GetFiggyWitit: Oh well, cool! Man it's going to be awesome to watch that jerk Paps serve one up.
Fuentesaurus: Si.
GetFiggyWitit: Woo! And there it goes!
GetFiggyWitit: OH GOD DAMNIT CRAWFORD!
Fuentesaurus: That was muy unfortunate my friend. It was a pretty bad ass catch though.
GetFiggyWitit: Yeah, it kind of was. Oh well, there's two other guys right?
Fuentesaurus: Si.
GetFiggyWitit: Tejada, what the hell is wrong with you? My dead Grandmother could have hit that pitch out of the park. Hell, I could have homered on that pitch. And that's saying something.
Fuentesaurus: Perhaps the last hitter will have better luck.
GetFiggyWitit: Jayson Werth? Isn't he just another hack-happy lefty who can barely hit outside the band-box Philly pretends is a stadium?
Fuentesaurus: Would you believe he has actually hit better in away games this year?
GetFiggyWitit: NO.
Fuentesaurus: On the basis of that at bat, I also find it questionable.
Top of the 8th
GetFiggyWitit: What the hell man? Papelbon was trying to throw the game and they STILL didn't score.
Fuentesaurus: Si. It has become very clear why the NL loses every year. At least I will finally be on the winning side.
GetFiggyWitit: Maddon better put me in this inning. It's only a matter of time before one of the choke-artists on the other side blows it.
Fuentesaurus: It may already be too late.
GetFiggyWitit: DAMNIT UPTON!
Fuentesaurus: I don't think even Gary Matthews Jr could have found a worse route to that ball.
GetFiggyWitit: Of course. They f--- up a play on one of like TWO guys on this team who could concievably hold their own against me in a foot race. What the hell?
Fuentesaurus: You are screwed, muchacho.
GetFiggyWitit: And there goes Jones with the sac fly. Damnit.
Fuentesaurus: Do not give up my friend. The NL could still score.
Bottom of the 8th
GetFiggyWitit: Thanks for trying man, but I really think you've got a better shot at getting into this game than me.
Fuentesaurus: Perhaps. We will see. I dumped a whole canister of Exlax into Nathan's sports drink last inning.
GetFiggyWitit: WHAT?
Fuentesaurus: Si. I would not go into the clubhouse restroom after he comes in from pitching.
GetFiggyWitit: Dude, where do you even come up with this stuff?
Fuentesaurus: I get bored just sitting here all game. I have to do something to keep busy.
GetFiggyWitit: I think I'm starting to understand why our bullpen has been having so many problems this year.
Fuentesaurus: Oh...Um...These are not the droids you are looking for...
GetFiggyWitit: Yeah, that shit's not gonna work man.
Fuentesaurus: Si.
GetFiggyWitit: "S cool tho. Just lay off once we really get into the pennent race, okay?
Fuentesaurus: Si.
GetFiggyWitit: Hey, man it's working! Nathan's starting to choke.
Fuentesaurus: Si. I have to go. They want me to get warmed up.
GetFiggyWitit: Cool man. Good luck.
Top of the 9th
GetFiggyWitit: I can't BELIEVE they blew that.
Fuentesaurus: Si. I am pretty sure that Escobar's myspace page could out-hit the NL lineup.
GetFiggyWitit: Oh, that was COLD, man. Nice one.
Fuentesaurus: Si.
GetFiggyWitit: Hang on, someone else is texting me.
FrankySaysRelax: Chone, you gotta help me!
GetFiggyWitit: What? K-Rod? Aren't you pitching right now?
FrankySaysRelax: Yeah, so?
GetFiggyWitit: ...Okay, never mind. What do you need?
FrankySaysRelax: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Brandon Inge!? Isn't he like Detroit's backup catcher or something!?
GetFiggyWitit: Well... I mean, kinda but... he's having a good year?
FrankySaysRelax: DUDE THIS IS BULLSHIT!! Where's Big Papi? Or Vlad? Or A-Rod?
GetFiggyWitit: Well, they didn't have good years this year. So they're not here.
FrankySaysRelax: Well what about Pujols!?
GetFiggyWitit: Dude, he's on your team.
FrankySaysRelax: God damn it! How the hell am I supposed to wring some drama out of this? I just struck out some dude named Carl Crawford with just changeups!
GetFiggyWitit: Hey, you should put somebody slow on base. Then I'd be subbed in to get the insurance run. That'd be exciting, right?
FrankySaysRelax: Well, it's not Pujols, but I guess it's better than nothing. Alright, I'll put Morneau on, he's slow.
GetFiggyWitit: Okay great man, thanks... OH WHAT THE F--- WERTH!?!? You caught that!?
FrankySaysRelax: Sorry dude, I tried. Catch you later!
GetFiggyWitit: I don't BELIEVE this.
Fuentesaurus: Hey, muchacho. So while you were gone, I shoved like, thirty or forty razor blades into Rivera's glove.
Bottom of the 9th
GetFiggyWitit: Well, good try, Brian, but I don't think it's going to work. Looks like no Angels this year.
Fuentesaurus: Si. The NL hitters seem to be swinging at balls that even Vlad would just step away from.
GetFiggyWitit: How did you ever give up runs pitching to those guys?
Fuentesaurus: Luck mostly. Also I often went out to the mound drunk, just for the extra challenge.
GetFiggyWitit: Yay. We win. Man, I'm going to give Maddon the biggest kick in the balls...
Fuentesaurus: Oh, hey wait up man. I still have a few razor blades left over that we could shove down his pants first.
GetFiggyWitit: Aight, cool, I'll meet you here.
Fuentesaurus: Si. But remember--Stay out of the bathroom.
This Fan-Post is authored by an independent fan. Tell us what you think and how you feel.
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hahaha nice
but i have to tell you… “yes” in spanish = “Si”, not “Ci”
Thank you, Nick Adenhart. You will always be remembered. #34
by howiestheman on Jul 14, 2009 11:46 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Now go back and re-read the entire thing while envisioning Fuentes as
Jeff Dunham’s Jalapeno on a steeek character… :D
If you don’t know who Jeff Dunham is, a) you probably live under a rock, and b) go to youtube and laugh your ass off…
Miss you Nick...! RIP
I live under a rock,
but I’m on my way to youtube. I need to lose some weight somehow, and if laughing does the trick I’m all for it.
.... as sexy as socks on a rooster.
BTW Bucky is now famous world-wide
The other blogs have picked up on him.
Quote of the day on BallHype: “I’m tired of Angel players who don’t speak English. At least not with a mike in from of them. This Kendry Morales ignoring our language for Spanish the way Vlad does is outrageous. This is an American team with American fans paying them American millions.”
Don't call me Desmond
by highlandhalo on Jul 15, 2009 5:38 AM PDT up reply actions
Fresno, IIRC.
He grew up there. Has almost no accent discernible to Southern California ears.
.... as sexy as socks on a rooster.
Good ole Free Snow.
I love this team.
by Downing Rules on Jul 15, 2009 12:17 PM PDT up reply actions
Also
Fuentes is a California native (Merced). Despite the Spanish surname, I really don’t know if he speaks the language.
by jjackflash on Jul 14, 2009 11:48 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Yeah, I know. But I needed a way to distinguish between them, plus I found it comical.
~Till the Halo burns out...
The Fuentesaurus is a vato from the San Joaquin Valley
So he probably speaks a bit of Spanish like the homeys in Santa Ana. He was picked for Team USA in the World Baseball Classic but didn’t go.
Very very funny Zu … Joe Nathan blows up the clubhouse toilet!
Don't call me Desmond
by highlandhalo on Jul 15, 2009 5:36 AM PDT up reply actions
See below for a post on why Fuentes talks that way.
Again, it was purely a mental callback to a guy I used to know. Not a reference anyone else could get in retrospect, but like I said, it was pretty late last night when I wrote this. I actually knew at the time that Fuentes was born in the USA.
~Till the Halo burns out...
I know, man ...
I thought it was funny. And Fuentes does have a bit of the vato in him. Great post.
Don't call me Desmond
by highlandhalo on Jul 15, 2009 5:42 AM PDT up reply actions
Very funny Zu
But like howie said “Si”, not “Ci”. Us damn Californians being multi-lingual and not speaking pure American. Ha.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE POWER OF THE DARKSIDE.....
It's really surprising how much free time I have when there are no Angels games on.
~Till the Halo burns out...
Brilliant
They say all good comedy comes out of suffering. . . .
This site has more talent than all the other sports blogs put together!
BTW, the only reason Fuentes talks that way is because I used to know a guy, also American-born,
who talked that way. Dude was gut-bustingly funny and a good friend. Definitely wasn’t trying to offend anyone or imply that Fuentes doesn’t speak English.
~Till the Halo burns out...
I wonder if Ichiro did his pre-game "peptalk" this year ...
I would pay damn good money to see a video of Ichiro spewing all those F-bombs about the National League.
Maybe Figgins or Fuentes video-ed on their phones. That would be priceless.
Don't call me Desmond
It's my favorite line. Let's not discuss my ass.
.... as sexy as socks on a rooster.
by opiejeanne on Jul 15, 2009 3:57 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Why can't we discuss your ass....
Are you embarrassed about the donkey in your garage?
Angels fan since '67
LOL. I just got back from a short trip, and this is what I see.
And I don’t want to discuss my animal in the garage.
.... as sexy as socks on a rooster.
mr opiejeanne?
Nah, he’s a nice guy. Now my husband’s cousin, Bo-ob, he’s an ass but he’s not in the garage right now. (and I hope he never, ever is again).
The animal in the garage is a ’possum.
.... as sexy as socks on a rooster.
My personal favorite:
Fuentesaurus: Si. I am pretty sure that Escobar’s myspace page could out-hit the NL lineup.
#34 Forever
Plugging the upside since 2006.
Never give up, never surrender!
My favorite
Fuentesaurus: Oh…Um…These are not the droids you are looking for…
Of course, I go for the Star Wars geekdom.
As Figgy noted
This certainly does explain our bullpen issues.
Of course, I also had people staring into my office when I started laughing hysterically.
Angels fan since '67
I'm gonna be honest
I prefer the Ci to the Si. Mainly because the Ci is funnier and Si is still incorrect (should be Sí)
RIP #34
I was neglectful yesterday when I posted a Figgy screencap from the ASG
I neglected to include one of the Fuentesaurus. So here is one for all the Fuentes fans of his ASG intro.
Amazing he could reach his cap to tip it with those freakishly short arms of his.
Don't call me Desmond
So,
Rex claims they call Fuentes “Tito”
Just an interesting tidbit
34 - N.J.A - R.I.P
PLAY FIGGINS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!.....or not
He might not be able to reach
his titos either.
Or his tidbits
Who goofed? I've got to know.
zing!
Phys: Well, Coon doesn't have a lot of power but he's a good bunter
Coon: F$%# That!
Thanks Zu
by halofan4life on Jul 18, 2009 11:53 AM PDT up reply actions
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