Fuentes and Figgins Text Messaging During ASG

((The following is a parody based loosely on The Dugout in format. Some themes have been carried over from parodies of previous ... seasons All-Star games.))

Top of the 6th

GetFiggyWitit: Brian, you there?

Fuentesaurus: Sup, muchacho?

GetFiggyWitit: I am so freakin' BORED right now.

Fuentesaurus: Si.

GetFiggyWitit: Maddon said he's holding me for a "critical situation." I don't know man, smells like horsecrap to me.

Fuentesaurus: Least you got a chance, man. I'm pretty sure even that n00b from the A's was ahead of me on Joe's depth chart this morning.

GetFiggyWitit: See, like right now, why is Hamilton even still in the game? I can play center. Maddon KNOWS I can play center. And Young is totally about to hit into a double play right here.

Fuentesaurus: The pitcher on the Padres?

GetFiggyWitit: Nah man, the other guy. On Texas.

Fuentesaurus: Oh. Si.

GetFiggyWitit: See!? Right there! Totally called it.

Fuentesaurus: Nice call.

GetFiggyWitit: This is BULLSHIT. I'd have stolen the base and gotten to third on the play.

Fuentesaurus: Si.


Bottom of the 6th

GetFiggyWitit: So like the entire goddamn bench except me just got subbed in.

Fuentesaurus: That sucks, my friend. But hey, Joe hasn't made you fetch Pena's spare jockstrap yet, right? So that is something.

GetFiggyWitit: ...

Fuentesaurus: Oh.

GetFiggyWitit: TWICE

Fuentesaurus: Si. You are getting it up the ass.


Top of the 7th

GetFiggyWitit: GODDAMNIT, I'm gonna kill Maddon.

Fuentesaurus: You should do what I am doing.

GetFiggyWitit: What's that?

Fuentesaurus: You know what 'J's sound like in spanish right?

GetFiggyWitit: Yeah?

Fuentesaurus: There is a reason I keep calling him "Joe."

GetFiggyWitit: ...

Fuentesaurus: Is funny right?

GetFiggyWitit: ...Yeah. Sure Brian. Real funny.

Fuentesaurus: You need to lighten up man.

GetFiggyWitit: Sorry. I just feel like if the NL got ahead again, I KNOW Maddon would have to put me in.

Fuentesaurus: Si. That is why I convinced Papelbon to throw the game by offering to get him a blowjob from some Venezuelan hookers.


Bottom of the 7th

GetFiggyWitit: DUDE! That's awesome! You know some Venezuelan hookers?

Fuentesaurus: But that Pabelbon guy is seriously dumber than a box of pinatas. I'll just use some Jedi mind tricks on him.

GetFiggyWitit: You have JEDI powers?

Fuentesaurus: Si. How else are you supposed to average over a strikeout per inning with a fastball that tops out at 90?

GetFiggyWitit: You know, now that you mention it, that does seem kind of odd.

Fuentesaurus: Si.

GetFiggyWitit: Oh well, cool! Man it's going to be awesome to watch that jerk Paps serve one up.

Fuentesaurus: Si.

GetFiggyWitit: Woo! And there it goes!


Fuentesaurus: That was muy unfortunate my friend. It was a pretty bad ass catch though.

GetFiggyWitit: Yeah, it kind of was. Oh well, there's two other guys right?

Fuentesaurus: Si.

GetFiggyWitit: Tejada, what the hell is wrong with you? My dead Grandmother could have hit that pitch out of the park. Hell, I could have homered on that pitch. And that's saying something.

Fuentesaurus: Perhaps the last hitter will have better luck.

GetFiggyWitit: Jayson Werth? Isn't he just another hack-happy lefty who can barely hit outside the band-box Philly pretends is a stadium?

Fuentesaurus: Would you believe he has actually hit better in away games this year?

GetFiggyWitit: NO.

Fuentesaurus: On the basis of that at bat, I also find it questionable.


Top of the 8th

GetFiggyWitit: What the hell man? Papelbon was trying to throw the game and they STILL didn't score.

Fuentesaurus: Si. It has become very clear why the NL loses every year. At least I will finally be on the winning side.

GetFiggyWitit: Maddon better put me in this inning. It's only a matter of time before one of the choke-artists on the other side blows it.

Fuentesaurus: It may already be too late.

GetFiggyWitit: DAMNIT UPTON!

Fuentesaurus: I don't think even Gary Matthews Jr could have found a worse route to that ball.

GetFiggyWitit: Of course. They f--- up a play on one of like TWO guys on this team who could concievably hold their own against me in a foot race. What the hell?

Fuentesaurus: You are screwed, muchacho.

GetFiggyWitit: And there goes Jones with the sac fly. Damnit.

Fuentesaurus: Do not give up my friend. The NL could still score.


Bottom of the 8th

GetFiggyWitit: Thanks for trying man, but I really think you've got a better shot at getting into this game than me.

Fuentesaurus: Perhaps. We will see. I dumped a whole canister of Exlax into Nathan's sports drink last inning.

GetFiggyWitit: WHAT?

Fuentesaurus: Si. I would not go into the clubhouse restroom after he comes in from pitching.

GetFiggyWitit: Dude, where do you even come up with this stuff?

Fuentesaurus: I get bored just sitting here all game. I have to do something to keep busy.

GetFiggyWitit: I think I'm starting to understand why our bullpen has been having so many problems this year.

Fuentesaurus: Oh...Um...These are not the droids you are looking for...

GetFiggyWitit: Yeah, that shit's not gonna work man.

Fuentesaurus: Si.

GetFiggyWitit: "S cool tho. Just lay off once we really get into the pennent race, okay?

Fuentesaurus: Si.

GetFiggyWitit: Hey, man it's working! Nathan's starting to choke.

Fuentesaurus: Si. I have to go. They want me to get warmed up.

GetFiggyWitit: Cool man. Good luck.


Top of the 9th

GetFiggyWitit: I can't BELIEVE they blew that.

Fuentesaurus: Si. I am pretty sure that Escobar's myspace page could out-hit the NL lineup.

GetFiggyWitit: Oh, that was COLD, man. Nice one.

Fuentesaurus: Si.

GetFiggyWitit: Hang on, someone else is texting me.

FrankySaysRelax: Chone, you gotta help me!

GetFiggyWitit: What? K-Rod? Aren't you pitching right now?

FrankySaysRelax: Yeah, so?

GetFiggyWitit: ...Okay, never mind. What do you need?

FrankySaysRelax: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Brandon Inge!? Isn't he like Detroit's backup catcher or something!?

GetFiggyWitit: Well... I mean, kinda but... he's having a good year?

FrankySaysRelax: DUDE THIS IS BULLSHIT!! Where's Big Papi? Or Vlad? Or A-Rod?

GetFiggyWitit: Well, they didn't have good years this year. So they're not here.

FrankySaysRelax: Well what about Pujols!?

GetFiggyWitit: Dude, he's on your team.

FrankySaysRelax: God damn it! How the hell am I supposed to wring some drama out of this? I just struck out some dude named Carl Crawford with just changeups!

GetFiggyWitit: Hey, you should put somebody slow on base. Then I'd be subbed in to get the insurance run. That'd be exciting, right?

FrankySaysRelax: Well, it's not Pujols, but I guess it's better than nothing. Alright, I'll put Morneau on, he's slow.

GetFiggyWitit: Okay great man, thanks... OH WHAT THE F--- WERTH!?!? You caught that!?

FrankySaysRelax: Sorry dude, I tried. Catch you later!

GetFiggyWitit: I don't BELIEVE this.

Fuentesaurus: Hey, muchacho. So while you were gone, I shoved like, thirty or forty razor blades into Rivera's glove.


Bottom of the 9th

GetFiggyWitit: Well, good try, Brian, but I don't think it's going to work. Looks like no Angels this year.

Fuentesaurus: Si. The NL hitters seem to be swinging at balls that even Vlad would just step away from.

GetFiggyWitit: How did you ever give up runs pitching to those guys?

Fuentesaurus: Luck mostly. Also I often went out to the mound drunk, just for the extra challenge.

GetFiggyWitit: Yay. We win. Man, I'm going to give Maddon the biggest kick in the balls...

Fuentesaurus: Oh, hey wait up man. I still have a few razor blades left over that we could shove down his pants first.

GetFiggyWitit: Aight, cool, I'll meet you here.

Fuentesaurus: Si. But remember--Stay out of the bathroom.

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