GetFiggyWitit: Brian, you there?
Fuentesaurus: Sup, muchacho?
GetFiggyWitit: I am so freakin' BORED right now.
GetFiggyWitit: Maddon said he's holding me for a "critical situation." I don't know man, smells like horsecrap to me.
Fuentesaurus: Least you got a chance, man. I'm pretty sure even that n00b from the A's was ahead of me on Joe's depth chart this morning.
GetFiggyWitit: See, like right now, why is Hamilton even still in the game? I can play center. Maddon KNOWS I can play center. And Young is totally about to hit into a double play right here.
Fuentesaurus: The pitcher on the Padres?
GetFiggyWitit: Nah man, the other guy. On Texas.
Fuentesaurus: Oh. Si.
GetFiggyWitit: See!? Right there! Totally called it.
Fuentesaurus: Nice call.
GetFiggyWitit: This is BULLSHIT. I'd have stolen the base and gotten to third on the play.
Bottom of the 6th
GetFiggyWitit: So like the entire goddamn bench except me just got subbed in.
Fuentesaurus: That sucks, my friend. But hey, Joe hasn't made you fetch Pena's spare jockstrap yet, right? So that is something.
Fuentesaurus: Si. You are getting it up the ass.
Top of the 7th
GetFiggyWitit: GODDAMNIT, I'm gonna kill Maddon.
Fuentesaurus: You should do what I am doing.
GetFiggyWitit: What's that?
Fuentesaurus: You know what 'J's sound like in spanish right?
Fuentesaurus: There is a reason I keep calling him "Joe."
Fuentesaurus: Is funny right?
GetFiggyWitit: ...Yeah. Sure Brian. Real funny.
Fuentesaurus: You need to lighten up man.
GetFiggyWitit: Sorry. I just feel like if the NL got ahead again, I KNOW Maddon would have to put me in.
Fuentesaurus: Si. That is why I convinced Papelbon to throw the game by offering to get him a blowjob from some Venezuelan hookers.
Bottom of the 7th
GetFiggyWitit: DUDE! That's awesome! You know some Venezuelan hookers?
Fuentesaurus: Um...no. But that Pabelbon guy is seriously dumber than a box of pinatas. I'll just use some Jedi mind tricks on him.
GetFiggyWitit: You have JEDI powers?
Fuentesaurus: Si. How else are you supposed to average over a strikeout per inning with a fastball that tops out at 90?
GetFiggyWitit: You know, now that you mention it, that does seem kind of odd.
GetFiggyWitit: Oh well, cool! Man it's going to be awesome to watch that jerk Paps serve one up.
GetFiggyWitit: Woo! And there it goes!
GetFiggyWitit: OH GOD DAMNIT CRAWFORD!
Fuentesaurus: That was muy unfortunate my friend. It was a pretty bad ass catch though.
GetFiggyWitit: Yeah, it kind of was. Oh well, there's two other guys right?
GetFiggyWitit: Tejada, what the hell is wrong with you? My dead Grandmother could have hit that pitch out of the park. Hell, I could have homered on that pitch. And that's saying something.
Fuentesaurus: Perhaps the last hitter will have better luck.
GetFiggyWitit: Jayson Werth? Isn't he just another hack-happy lefty who can barely hit outside the band-box Philly pretends is a stadium?
Fuentesaurus: Would you believe he has actually hit better in away games this year?
Fuentesaurus: On the basis of that at bat, I also find it questionable.
Top of the 8th
GetFiggyWitit: What the hell man? Papelbon was trying to throw the game and they STILL didn't score.
Fuentesaurus: Si. It has become very clear why the NL loses every year. At least I will finally be on the winning side.
GetFiggyWitit: Maddon better put me in this inning. It's only a matter of time before one of the choke-artists on the other side blows it.
Fuentesaurus: It may already be too late.
GetFiggyWitit: DAMNIT UPTON!
Fuentesaurus: I don't think even Gary Matthews Jr could have found a worse route to that ball.
GetFiggyWitit: Of course. They f--- up a play on one of like TWO guys on this team who could concievably hold their own against me in a foot race. What the hell?
Fuentesaurus: You are screwed, muchacho.
GetFiggyWitit: And there goes Jones with the sac fly. Damnit.
Fuentesaurus: Do not give up my friend. The NL could still score.
Bottom of the 8th
GetFiggyWitit: Thanks for trying man, but I really think you've got a better shot at getting into this game than me.
Fuentesaurus: Perhaps. We will see. I dumped a whole canister of Exlax into Nathan's sports drink last inning.
Fuentesaurus: Si. I would not go into the clubhouse restroom after he comes in from pitching.
GetFiggyWitit: Dude, where do you even come up with this stuff?
Fuentesaurus: I get bored just sitting here all game. I have to do something to keep busy.
GetFiggyWitit: I think I'm starting to understand why our bullpen has been having so many problems this year.
Fuentesaurus: Oh...Um...These are not the droids you are looking for...
GetFiggyWitit: Yeah, that shit's not gonna work man.
GetFiggyWitit: "S cool tho. Just lay off once we really get into the pennent race, okay?
GetFiggyWitit: Hey, man it's working! Nathan's starting to choke.
Fuentesaurus: Si. I have to go. They want me to get warmed up.
GetFiggyWitit: Cool man. Good luck.
Top of the 9th
GetFiggyWitit: I can't BELIEVE they blew that.
Fuentesaurus: Si. I am pretty sure that Escobar's myspace page could out-hit the NL lineup.
GetFiggyWitit: Oh, that was COLD, man. Nice one.
GetFiggyWitit: Hang on, someone else is texting me.
FrankySaysRelax: Chone, you gotta help me!
GetFiggyWitit: What? K-Rod? Aren't you pitching right now?
FrankySaysRelax: Yeah, so?
GetFiggyWitit: ...Okay, never mind. What do you need?
FrankySaysRelax: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Brandon Inge!? Isn't he like Detroit's backup catcher or something!?
GetFiggyWitit: Well... I mean, kinda but... he's having a good year?
FrankySaysRelax: DUDE THIS IS BULLSHIT!! Where's Big Papi? Or Vlad? Or A-Rod?
GetFiggyWitit: Well, they didn't have good years this year. So they're not here.
FrankySaysRelax: Well what about Pujols!?
GetFiggyWitit: Dude, he's on your team.
FrankySaysRelax: God damn it! How the hell am I supposed to wring some drama out of this? I just struck out some dude named Carl Crawford with just changeups!
GetFiggyWitit: Hey, you should put somebody slow on base. Then I'd be subbed in to get the insurance run. That'd be exciting, right?
FrankySaysRelax: Well, it's not Pujols, but I guess it's better than nothing. Alright, I'll put Morneau on, he's slow.
GetFiggyWitit: Okay great man, thanks... OH WHAT THE F--- WERTH!?!? You caught that!?
FrankySaysRelax: Sorry dude, I tried. Catch you later!
GetFiggyWitit: I don't BELIEVE this.
Fuentesaurus: Hey, muchacho. So while you were gone, I shoved like, thirty or forty razor blades into Rivera's glove.
Bottom of the 9th
GetFiggyWitit: Well, good try, Brian, but I don't think it's going to work. Looks like no Angels this year.
Fuentesaurus: Si. The NL hitters seem to be swinging at balls that even Vlad would just step away from.
GetFiggyWitit: How did you ever give up runs pitching to those guys?
Fuentesaurus: Luck mostly. Also I often went out to the mound drunk, just for the extra challenge.
GetFiggyWitit: Yay. We win. Man, I'm going to give Maddon the biggest kick in the balls...
Fuentesaurus: Oh, hey wait up man. I still have a few razor blades left over that we could shove down his pants first.
GetFiggyWitit: Aight, cool, I'll meet you here.
Fuentesaurus: Si. But remember--Stay out of the bathroom.