This Makes Me Angry
How to be a HaloFan, Vol 1.
Dearest Esteammed Dignitary of Untied States,
My name is Mr. Esughugowi Coli. I am literary Nobel Prizewinner of Nigeria. My country is torn apurt by war and class-divisions. Everyone I know is either unemployed, a violent gangbunger, or a snobby, bloated plutocrat. Naturally, I am a fan of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of America. I write to you with a lucrative business offer.
Over the course of my many years of being an Angel fan, I have learned the in's and ow's of being an Angel fan. My precise wisdom can be distilled to you in a lucrative venture, which in no way is a wired fraud scam. Simply deposit $5!000;00 in my Ebanking account (UserID: Theo Epstein) and I will send, at no extra cost to you, a hard-bound, leather edition of my award-winning, Nobel Peace-Prize-receiving book:
StealingMoneyBall: How to be a HaloFan, Vol.1
"But, Mr. Esughugowi," you say. "Of how can I be certain that this book is the righteous fury of Angels that it surely comports to be." "Well," say me, "out of the generosity and egregious munificence of my heart, I shall send to you a chapter of this splendid work." To which you reply, "Oh, merciful and kind Coli, your boundless sweetness forces me to deposit $5!000;00 in your online bank account."
StealingMoneyBall: How to be a HaloFan, Vol.1
Chapter 15 (pa. 3) Angels Rules
Dude, so you like, totally should be an Angel fan by now. But if ur not, that's cool. Me and my bros gotta hurl. Don't want a hangover in Algebra class. Oh, check out these rad rules for analyzing the sport of baseball:
1. Mike Scioscia = The MAN.
DOOD, Scioscia is the MAN. I mean, he's the MAN. Okay, so maybe he doesn't play, and maybe he makes people run into outs. And maybe he makes hitters suicide squeeze bunt when the infield is drawn in and the playoffs are on the line. But that's just a sign of how brilliant he is. Only a genius like Sosh would be smart enough to turn a $100 million team with a killer farm system into a small ball National League squad.
2. Tony Reagins = NINJA
OMG, Reagins is like ninja. He makes that word into all parts of speech. Noun: "Reagins is the ninja." Verb: "Five more centerfielders! He NINJAed that deal to death, man!" Adjective: "Reagins is totally ninja." Adverb: Reagins is a ninja awesome ninja." Conjunction: "Ninja Erick Aybar ninja." Put it all together, and you get total sentences:
"Ninja Napoli ninjas ninja laid ninja ninjaing East Coast bias ninja BoSUX ninja ninja ALDS Elimination Game ninja ninja 2010 frickin NINJA!"
3. The Angels always win.
So dood, you gotta know the Angels are radically total in their awesomeness. They, like, win every friggin game. So there's almost, like, no reason to even watch the postseason. Everyone knows that the Angels play in the toughest division in baseball - the Rangers, Mariners, and A's would each win like a thousand games in the AL-Least.
4. Boston only beats the Angels in the playoffs because of non-baseball reasons.
Anyone with sense knows that the Red Sox are a worse team than the Halos. And nobody knows this better than John "Rally Flunky" Lackey, who declared in 2008, after his team had bunted, squeezed, blown-saved and error'ed its way to a 1-3 ALDS series loss:
"We lost to a team that’s not better than us. We are a better team than they are." (source)
Radical truth. But why is this true? Well, there are several reasons that a perennial world beater is tripped up by Boston chumps:
4a) East Coast Bias
Mind control rays emanating out of ESPN world headquarters in New York cause Angels to make errors, fans to cheer for the Red Sox, and Boston Left Fielders to hit home runs off of Halo closers. Secret ESPN fluoridation causes Erick Aybar to miss his bunt. And the ESPN-controlled media ignore the accomplishments of a team that has consistently won the biggest prize in baseball - the AL West division title.
4b) New Yankeeism / Evil Imperialism
Why have the Superhuman Angels, protectors of Truth, Justice and the American way, been thwarted? Why have the Angels, Team of Steel, failed to advance to November glory? The clear answer is because Theo Epstein took over control of the Legion of Doom from Steinbrenner. He then piled green Kryptonite high into the Left Field wall, thus the "Green Monster," and even created an animatronic mobile Kryptonite delivery system, codenamed Wally.
The Red Sox are the juiciest juicers that ever juiced their juice. Sure, maybe 17 Angels players are known to have used steroids. But the Sox had Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz on the juice. While the Angels clubhouse may have been a veritable opium den of PEDs, it only won them one World Series, so it doesn't count. At all. Troy Glaus, World Series MVP, doesn't count as much as Manny-Ortiz. And obviously George Mitchell was responsible for covering up the other Sox steroid users!
Dood, knowing these rules, you will make a totally awesome Angel fan! Now, me and the rest of the 9th grade wrestling team are going into the woods to get drunk, and then we're going to rock out on the internet! AngelsFan for Life! Cradle 2 ALDS Game 3, yo!