Zoe Necrosis Goes To Seattle

In the tradition of great adventures like "Earnest Goes To Camp" and "Earnest Goes To Jail" we present to you the journey of Zoe Necrosis and his paramore Violet DeMent as they journey to the pacific northwest in search of cooler climate, precipitation, cheese, wine, and baseball.

I won't make a disclaimer here about how this entry contains a great deal of OT content - you know how to use the scroll bar - and there's more to life than baseball (ducks).

This trip was inspired by nothing other than the fact that Ms DeMent found a great deal on plane tickets months ago and hadn't seen her friends Ruby and Shara in a while. They were the ones putting us up for the better part of a week.

At LAX we couldn't get over the fact that Best Buy has a vending machine. You know, in case you just impulsively felt like buying an iPod.

This was the best flight I've ever been on, as the nostrums I imbibed before take-off kept me unconscious until after landing at SeaTac. Acknowledged, the flight is a mere couple hours - I don't fly well.

When I asked the Garmin to direct us to local attractions (close to Bothel, where we were staying) the first thing we found was the Country Village. The Country Village contains a number of shops, none of which contain either interesting items or customers. The best attraction - aside from a children's choo-choo train ride driven by a lawn mower - are the ducks and roosters waiting to be fed by hand for a quarter.

Dr. DeMent wanted me to capture a picture of their own Loch Ness Monster for her collection. I'm certain the effect is better at night.

We had lunch at a sushi place in which nigiri circulates the restaurant on an enormous conveyor belt. You select what you like and pay by the plate at the end. Such things must also exist in LA, but I've never been to one before.

Here's our hosts, Ruby and Shara, who on our second day entreated us to join them for an evening of comedy. Someone had give them comp tickets to see stand-up by two of the finalists who appeared on 'Last Comic Standing.'

This particular entertainment district has a Dale Chihuli sculture in the lobby. If you look closely at its make-up, I think there's something a bit suggestive about it.

On a subsequent day we drove three hours to the bavarian village of Leavenworth!

I brought back to California four bottles of wine from the local vineyards that showcase their vino in Leavenworth's tasting rooms.

A lodge? And if not, why is it affixed with the Eye of Providence?

Everything in Leavenworth is depicted in old-worldy font, even the gas station prices on the outskirts of town.

After a few days I was given the keys to the rental car and a blessing to disappear for the day. My adventures revolved around Safeco Field, and game one of a three game Mariners vs Halos series.

Before departing for this trip I was given advice from multiple online sources as to how best deal with parking in downtown Seattle, logistically. The solution that worked best for me, and which I would recommend if you're not lazy or corpulent, is to park (on non-game days of course) at the Qwest Field parking lot. It is next door to Safeco, costs ten bucks for the day, and puts you in walking distance of most downtown attractions. Parking at Safeco Field itself would have cost twenty-three clams.

I took the 10:30am tour of Safeco Field. I recommend it. Tours are given year round, and unlike at The Big A, not blacked out on game days. This seems to be by necessity given its popularity. The only downside is that during the season there is no visit to either clubhouse unless the Mariners are on the road.

At the beginning of the tour and elderly man named Bob introduced his colleague, a young Japanese man in his early twenties named Akira. He suggested that everyone who would like a tour of the stadium spoken in Japanese should go with Akira.

These are the tourists who went with Akira.

Besides myself, this is who remained and wanted a tour in english.

This is Bob, our gracious and knowledgable guide. We are standing at this point apparently on the actual 'Lookout Landing.' Behind me in this photo is what apparently used to be a spectacular view, including the Space Needle, before the view became occupied by buildings.

The retractable roof of Safeco Field. A good 15 minutes was devoted to this, explaining its mechanics, functions, and MLB's rules on when and how it can be operated. I never got to see it in action. Apparently it takes 20 minutes to entirely cover the field.

The view from the Owners' Suite. Can't go there at the Big A, can ya? To be fair, the owner of the Mariners has never seen a single game in person, and probably never will. Hiroshi Yamauchi is afraid of flying. For all I know he's never been outside Kyoto. But then, the story of Yamauchi and how he saved baseball in Seattle is a whole other story.

Here we are on the balcony of the Owners' Suite, and as you can see I was not the only Halo fan in attendance.

Here we are in the press box. The safety net behind home plate is the smallest dimension allowed by Major League Baseball. As a result, behind every third seat in the press box is a dent in the wall caused by a foul. Reporters are encouraged to stay alert.

Tours to Safeco Field include entrance to the Diamond Club - another aspect not shared at The Big A - and access not only to both dugouts but the warning track. We were only asked not to walk on the grass.

Getting to see both dugouts is probably a necessity, as the one thing that every Japanese tourist or client or dignitary has in mind as soon as they reach Seattle is going to the Mariners dugout and having their picture taken where Ichiro sits.

At the conclusion of our tour, who should walk right past us and into the visitor's clubhouse but Mickey Hatcher and his magnificent teeth! Such encounters are not uncommon, according to Bob. If I had this to do over again, perhaps I would have taken the 12:30pm tour instead of the 10:30am. Becuase if at the conclusion of our tour we had a Mickey sighting at noon, who might we have met if we were behind the scenes at 2pm?

After my tour I began exploring downtown Seattle on foot with no destinations.

Small pockets of it look like this.

But naturally most of it looks like this.

I stopped for lunch at an Asian bistro, ordered the sashimi lunch special, and decided I wanted a bottle of Soju to drink along with it. The catch? Although Soju is not that strong (as far as I'm concerned) it is nevertheless a distilled spirit, and the manager therefore requires that it be poured out, not provided to the customer in bottle form.

And that was how I ended up with nine shots in front of me for lunch.

Onward to Pike's Place Market and its crazy awesomeness! Fish tossing!

A note to future travellers contemplating retracing my steps: many an Angelino would consider walking from Safeco Field to Pikes and back again too exhaustive or long of a walk. I like walking.

Pike's Place is a kind of multi-layered Indian Bazaar kind of craziness you have to see for yourself. Descriptions would be deficient.

Hey, look!

Pedestrians tend to simply form critical mass and wrest dominance of the street from automobiles in this area.

I happened to come across the first ever Starbucks, replete with the original, scandalous logo (nipples!). This is of relevance to me since I and most people I know worked for Starbucks at one point or another. And as you might imagine, there is indeed a Starbucks on every block in the downtown area, and I only wish I was exaggerating.

This is just inside the door of the first Starbucks. I don't know why. The region has a preoccupation with swine.

Some of the scenery taken in walking back to Safeco.

This is the view from the steps of Qwest Field.

This is the Pyramid beer garden (parking lot) across the street from Safeco, occupied before the game by myself, two strangers, and my friends Water and Hefeweizen.

In a just world the gates would open earlier than they do, and perhaps if attendance were greater they would, but as it stands the locals hardly get to see any home team batting practice.

Which works out fine for me, as does the Safeco policy of not requiring field level tickets to access the players during warm-ups. We the common folk can't usually get this close at The Big A, unless we're hanging out by the bullpen.

Halos fans can easily visit a game at Safeco and leave unmolested. I didn't even hear a single "go back to Disneyland!" or anything.

Plenty of red to keep you company here.

This is the view from the level of the ticket I actually paid for.

In describing Safeco Field the first word that comes to mind is "industrial." Which is not to say it is unsightly, per se, but it is characterized by steel girders and framework - a kind of factory ambiance, not one of red bricks and nostalgia.

The fans are friendly enough, with a few exceptions. I don't think the Mariners 10-0 loss made me anyone's new best friend. Then again, parties on both sides of me seemed to spend most of the game reading Parade Magazine. I'm not saying that's indicative of Mariner culture, I'm just telling you what I saw.

My one complaint about Safeco would be just how Dwight Shrute every employee is. Safeco Field is all about rules and regulations (and I'm all about where you can stick them). That game of creeping up to a better seat throughout the game to get a better view, which should be hassle-free if the stadium is 60% empty? Don't try it if you're wearing red. As soon as Vlad got his first knock I had ushers descending upon me demanding to see my ticket. They take it personally, and they hold grudges. At The Big A the ushers sit alongside me in the unoccupied good seats. Just saying.

Am I expressing a persecution complex? I don't think so. If I were, how is it that half a second after I began walking up the down escalator three employees simultaneously starting shouting at me? Granted, I was breaking the rules and posing a safety threat, but is it possible that they were keeping a particular eye on the one in grey and red just in case they decided to start some shit? Should I have worn a Gray's Anatomy shirt instead?

The signature snack at the park is of course the garlic fries. My verdict? Meh. They were okay, but I feel no need to ever eat them again. You would think fries drenched in minced garlic would have more taste or flavor to them. Maybe some ranch would have helped.

One of the more whimsical aspects of the park is The Bullpen Bar (or whatever it's called). You can saddle up with pub snacks and a beer and watch the game at field level through a gap in the structure. And if I turn my head to the left...

A knothole allows me to look right in at the bullpen. Pretty cool.

This is the view from my $30 seat. Not bad.

There was no appearance by either Ichiro of Griffey, sadly. My neighbors accounted that as the cause of the Halos 10-0 victory.

And Neptune's vengeance was swift and spiteful - the Seattle night air visited me with an illness that kept me in bed for the remainder of the trip. I only got to see one game. I'm still coughing up phlegm this morning.

You won this round, Seattle. But next time...