A Day in the Life of Gary Matthews Jr. - A Final Tribute

In the big GMJ to Mets thread, poster Schmidtxc linked an Amazin' Avenue write-up on A Day in the Life of Brian Stokes, the reliever we got in return for GMJ. It was a comedic masterpiece and someone suggested that an HHer should do one on GMJ.

I'm bored so here is my attempt.

7:18 AM - Wake up and begin practicing my "badass mofo from the 1970's" arm swings while doing some light jogging on the treadmill. Man, I look cool.

7:37 AM - Pull out iPhone and watch this video of myself.

7:40 - 8:30 AM - I spend most of my time on a "supplement website" I know I really shouldn't be on. After hovering my cursor over the purchase button for several minutes, my wife comes in. I minimize the window and pull up Halos Heaven.

8:31 AM - An e-mail pops up from Arte Moreno. Weird, he's still asking me about the shipment of HGH that showed up at my house a couple years ago. I thought I told him it was some kind of clerical error by Fed Ex, plus my identity was stolen at the time. I guess Arte's e-mail got hacked.

8:32 AM - I add Arte Moreno to my Spam and Ignore Lists.

9:13 AM - I go to the local BMW dealer and purchase a new 7 Series sedan. It costs about what I made sitting on the bench yesterday. 

10:37 AM - I'm going to talk to Mike Scioscia about playing today.

12:48 PM - I drive to the park. The security guys stop me. They're kind of pissed because I keep showing up in a new car every few days. Whatever.

12:52 PM - I can't get to my locker. Vladimir Guerrero's mom has made food for the team again and they put the table in front of it. Jeff Mathis can't get to his locker either.

12:53 PM - Mathis and I grab a plate. Erick Aybar and Ervin Santana are playing FIFA 09 and cussing at each other in Spanish. We sit down to watch.

1:08 PM - Aybar wins. Santana gets so mad that his nose starts bleeding. He stuffs Kleenex in it and storms off.

1:11 PM - I go to Mike's office. He quickly minimizes the Bucca Di Beppo website and pulls up a lineup card. I ask for more playing time. He asks if I'm better than Torii Hunter yet. I have to admit I'm not so I leave.

1:30PM - I go back to the locker room and ask Juan Rivera if he wants his tips bleached. They are looking dull. He does so I oblige.

2:45 PM - They move the food away from my locker just in time for me to get ready for warmups. Mike Butcher is trying unsuccessfully to get John Lackey to breathe through his nose.

3:12 PM - Brian Fuentes refuses to warm up with me because I throw too much harder than him. I end up with Vlad. Strange, I thought he was on the DL.

3:14 PM - Vlad throws the ball into the left field bleachers. I spend the next hour in the stands looking for it while he warms up with Aybar. He thinks it's funny.

4:15 PM - I find the ball and jump back onto the field as they are announcing the starting lineups. The fans cheer because they think I'm Torii Hunter. They are confused when I run back to the dugout swinging my arms. Torii laughs and gives me a high five.

4:24 PM - Mike Napoli arrives in the dugout even though the game started a few minutes ago. He sits down next to me and passes out. He smells like whiskey and Stone IPA. I put my bag under his head so he doesn't get neck cramps.

4:52 PM - I watch this video of myself on my iPhone.

5:40 PM - Torii crashes into the wall making a catch and has to come out of the game. I get to play!

6:23 PM - We're down by two runs and a line drive gets hit to me in deep center. I run to the wall and leap to catch it. I'm going to look awesome!

6:24 PM - I slam into the wall and fall down. The ball hits two feet away from me and rolls away. The runner is going for a triple. Juan Rivera gets the ball and throws the runner out on a no hop throw. Oww! How does Torii do this every day?

6:25 PM - I get charged with an error and Rivera gets an assist. Whatever. I made $1,453,125 on that error. That's like 1/3 of Rivera's salary.

6:41 PM - I get a walk to lead off the 9th and Scioscia gives the signal for me to steal. It's a straight steal.

6:42 PM - Vlad swings anyway and hits a grounder to short. I'm out by 30 feet but I slide hard into the 2nd baseman just for fun. I jog off the field pretending I'm in a 1970's action flick. Vlad laughs.

6:45 PM - Kendry Morales hits a homerun to bring us within one. I'm the first one slapping his helmet when he gets back. I'm good at that.

6:57 PM - Rivera and Howie Kendrick both walk. Scioscia wakes Napoli up and has him pinch hit for Mathis.

6:59 PM - Napoli hits a walkoff homerun to left. I'm the first to slap his helmet too. I jump around for a little with the guys but I'm kinda sore from hitting the wall and sliding.

7:12 PM - I decide to head home early. I don't want to drive so I charter a private helicopter to pick me up. I'll get my car tomorrow or just buy another one.

7:17 PM - I watch this video of myself during my helicopter ride. I'm pretty sure I earned a start tomorrow!