Listen. I suck at Fantasy Baseball -- But since it's draft time again, you want me in your league. Why? Because I suck. No excuses, but ...1) I care very little for stats and am very poor at math; 2) I have very little free time, and like to spend what there is with wife/son; 3) although I no longer drink, my attention span is as short as ever; 4) I don't really care if I win; and 5) I basically pick players by whether they have a cool name or not, are fat, nice, or exotic, which is the equivalent of throwing darts blindfolded. ... All of which makes for a very bad fantasy team.
And let's face it, we'd all love to have Joe Mauer, but YOU drafted him right before me. Sigh.I shall call my team the Highlanders and as you shall see, they probably have 9 very cool-named, fat Asian shortstops.
So feel free to take my cash ... I am eassssssy money. If you want to see my reasons for passing or drafting a guy, please feel free to read the rules below the jump.
PASS RULES: Guys I will NOT draft, although exemptions apply:
- PASS 1) The guy is a current member of the Oakland Athletics.
- PASS 2) The guy is a current member of the Boston Red Sox.
- PASS 3) The guy is a BAD GUY and/or STEROID GUY (that means you, Barry Bonds, Miguel Tejada, any Giambi, Board Game Milton Bradley, Manny Ramirez, Alex Rodriguez, and A.J. Pierzynski, to name a few.)
- PASS 4) The guy has recently played for either the Oakland Athletics or the Boston Red Sox, and the stench has not yet cleared from him.
- PASS 5) The guy is a current member of the Seattle Mariners or Texas Rangers.
- PASS 6) The guy is simply THE PLAYER I HATE THE MOST IN BASEBALL. (Dustin Pedroia, that is you -- regardless of your team affiliation, the only possible exemption is DRAFT RULE 1, below).
- PASS 7) The guy has a name which is difficult to spell. This is a journalist's nightmare, and while it would be easier to blame your parents, I'll blame you instead and not draft you: Gregg Zaun, Domonic Brown, Jayson Nix and Jhonny Peralta, and so many more. Bye, bye, Daric Barton, who gets a double-whammy under PASS 1. You would think this would also exclude Scot Shields (he of the solitary "T") and Chone Figgins, but they are exempt under DRAFT 1 and therefore can be drafted.
- PASS 8) The guy has a silly name. And it's my team, so I am the only judge of what is a cool or silly name. Granted there are no Kevin Phillips-Bongs in MLB, but there are Huston Street, Madison Bumgarner (good young player), Coco Crisp, Kiko Calero, Melky Cabrera, Yadier Molina, Ryan Rowland-Smith, Jack Cust (power pig), the aforementioned Milton Bradley, and, of course, J.J. Putz.
- PASS 9) The guy has a boring name. That's why I never drafted you, Chris B. Young or Chris R. Young, (either one of you). Or you, Mark Ellis, Adam Dunn, or Jon Lester. My team -- as in PASS 8, I am the sole judge of whether a guy's name is boring or colourful.
- PASS 10) The guy has two first names. OK, OK, I myself sort of have two first names, but that means you are not drafted, Jon Lester (ineligible under PASS 2), bzzzztttt!. Fernando Rodney, come aboard, however (DRAFT 1).
- PASS 11) The guy is named Todd or Randy (two bullies at my elementary school who used to beat the Holy Bejeebus out of me all the time and scarred me for life. They are both now OC deputy sheriffs, I think). Hence why Todd Helton and Randy Johnson never were on any of my fantasy teams, no matter how damn good they were.
DRAFT RULES: Guys I would consider drafting:
- DRAFT 1) The guy is a current member of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. This is the ultimate, dead red trump card and beats any negative PASS factors.
- DRAFT 2) The guy wore Angels colours before, and played well for us, and even though some are traitors, I would still draft Mark Teixeira and Chone Figgins. All non-traitorous ex-Angel players apply.
- DRAFT 2): The guy, without going too much into stats, is recognisable as a great player, Hall of Fame-bound probably. However these players who pass all other tests (Ichiro Suzuki, Carl Crawford, Derek Jeter, Joe Mauer) are extremely expensive in fantasy leagues.
- DRAFT 3) The guy is cool simply because he is legendary on Halos Heaven. (Example: Carlos Quentin).
- DRAFT 4) The guy is a shortstop. I am partial to players who can handle the most difficult defensive position of all, except perhaps catcher. Unfortunately, most Fantasy leagues limit the manager to 2, max 3 shortstops. Erick Aybar is therefore doubly-qualified, under DRAFT 1 and 4, even though he fails PASS 7.
- DRAFT 5) The guy has a cool name. Again, I am the judge, after all, it is MY team. Players who qualify under this rule are Chin-Lung Hu, Caleb Gindl, Andre Ethier and Khalil Greene. As well as Lastings Milledge, which I think everyone must agree is a cool name. Kila Ka'aihue, Denard Span. And of course, the best name for a pitcher EVER -- Josh Outman, who unfortunately does not qualify under PASS 1 but, hey, let's give him a break. Grady Sizemore is a cool name, Scott Sizemore (2B, Detroit) is not a cool name. Ian Desmond (SS, Washington) makes it on this and above). Perhaps the coolest name in current baseball is Kosuke Fukudome, whose name contains both "suck" and --- and qualifies under DRAFT 9 anyway. And the best old-time baseball name, IMHO, is Honus Wagner. Go figure, a shortstop. I will probably draft the young player with the coolest name ever, Chicago SS prospect Starlin Castro, who is just one R away from being two dictators. How bad-ass is that!
- DRAFT 6) The guy''s name has "Ryan" or a variation thereof in it. This includes not only the obvious Nolan Ryan. but also Ryne Duren, Ryne Sandberg, and yes, even Ryan Spilborghs (a DQ under 7, but makes it on DRAFT 6 and .
- DRAFT 7) The guy's name is Ethan. No current major league players are named Ethan (in fact, the last Ethan to play in MLB was Ethan Blackaby, I think, a sucky OFer for the Milwaukee Braves in the 1960s, career BA of .120 in 27 plate appearances). My son Ethan had better get to the bigs quick, so I can draft him. Good luck, son -- no pressure then.
- DRAFT 8) The guy has a name with initials. CC Sabathia is OK (makes it under general greatness, coolness and the FAT GUY CLAUSE, see below). However, J.D. Drew (PASS 4) and the aforementioned Pierzynski (PASS 3) will never play for me. ... I hope I do not need to explain why B.J. Upton is a cool name.
- DRAFT 9) The guy is Asian or from some funky country. I would draft Robert Eenhoorn, 25 career ABs with the Angels and from Holland, if I could. This helps guys like Choo, Hu, Ka'aihue, Fukudome and (already qualified under DRAFT 1) Hideki Matsui. Hell, even an Asian-sounding nickname is good, so Torii Hunter counts under the Hula Dula Domino Rula Rula and doesn't think Vladimir Guerrero is black (errr, allegedly) ... But of course, someone will draft our clubhouse leader before me.
- DRAFT 10) The guy has an "I'm your best buddy name": Examples: Joe Mauer, Johnny Damon, John Maine, Joey Votto, Jack Wilson and our own Howie Kendrick.
- DRAFT 11) The guy plays for an "underdoggish", semi-ignored team. These teams are cool to root for if they are not playing the Angels. Such teams include the Colorado Rockies, Pittsburgh Pirates, Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals, the Washington Nationals. Hence players like Denard Span, Joakim Soria, Ian Desmond, and Akinori Iwamura all qualify.
- FAT GUYS CLAUSE: I will draft most fat guys except for Jack Cust. If Mike Scioscia was still playing today, I would draft The Man, The Soth.
So that leaves the Highlanders with the immortal Josh Outman and 15 cool-named Asian shortstops.
Yes indeed, the Highland Highlanders will suck with a capital S.
GO HALOS! xx