Guide for Halos Heaven "Newbies"

Now that the spring season has begun and we are all rellishing the Angel’s awesome 0-2-1 start, I thought I would offer some of the lesser known tips for "newbies" to assist them in acclimating themselves to this stellar blogland.

I know what you're thinking (beside another lame post from Rdad): how can a "new guy" have the affrontery to tell other new dudes (and dudettes) about Halos Heaven? Well, as a new guy (2009 or later) on HH, I have recent experience in how to screw up things, in not understanding anything, and in generally not knowing what the hell I’m doing, that most of you "old-timers" have forgotten (like how easy it is to not to reply correctly...)

So here are the Top 10 Tips followed by a fairly pertinent poll:

Tip 1: The original March 2008 Contingent (that's when the profiles show most of these guys started with Halo Heaven) that launched this Halos Heaven deal think they know everything and control everything.
This is true actually. They do. Remember: they don’t give a flying f..k what we newbies have to say, but keep us around for their own amusement, to snigger at our lameness, to use us as their little bitches: like Dracula and Renfield, like the mad King and Hop Frog, like Shaun and his zombie friend, like the evil Queen and Kronk. (Ok, there's nor real "contingent," and I'm just kidding--most of these dudes have been very cool with me and I don't want to make it seem like they're assholes)

Tip 2: The legendary Rev Halofan may not make any comments during a game thread, so be prepared.
I noticed this phenomena after the first ST game thread, when we were sort of feeling let down and not just because of the tie. Suddenly Son of Raaddad piped up and said: "Hey, no comments by Rev!" It was true; other than "And that’s the ballgame," when the last pitch was thrown, Rev offered nothing. Frankly, this is an outrage. After all the money I paid (the check is in the mail, btw), I expected the usual salty Rev-ish quips spangling the game thread, offsetting the obligatory weak ones by myself and others. It did not occur, and there you go…As Mick would say: You can’t always get what you want.

Tip 3: You fuck it up, you’re fucked. (There goes my f-word alotment for the year).
For instance,  Don’t ever go on and on about what a great writer you are and tell us that the Halos will finish last, and the mariners will win 100 games, and how we blew it not signing Benedict Lackey, and all that kind of bullshit. You will be Banned, and thus relegated to the Damned, the dungheap, the shitstream; in other words, back to Chowdah-land for you….

Tip 4: Lame Posts.
Sorry, but Nate and I already used up the quota for God-awful "Newbie" posts this season. For me, it was the "Lindsay Vonn for Halo Hottie" one, and for Nate it was the recent bomb: "Robin Wiiliams Demonstrates how Jack Z Put Together the Mariners [using Spore fugures] ". As Nate’s example shows: no one is perfect.

Tip 5: Don’t use the word "racist." It tends to get a little crazy around here I noticed when that happens, and guys like Phi Slamma go a little bonkers.

Tip #6: Yes, Wihalofan’s "Comics" are brilliant. Just sit back and enjoy and maybe pray that there are more coming to lighten up your wretched little life. 

Tip #7: The other editors besides Rghan may not actually exist, and if they do, where are they hiding? Rhgan is like the Yoda of the blogosphere…but these other folks are very illusive. Very occasionally one will pipe in with a clever dissing of someone; another will suddenly reappear in Japan momentarily, and then: "the rest is silence". Like Howard Hughes, Thomas Pynchon, my wife on "sex night," they rarely make an appearance…(though this will change when we get back to the regular season, I'm told)

Tip #8: Face it: we’ll never understand most of the inside jokes.
As a matter of fact, most of the legendary March 2008 Contingent that create these jokes don’t understand them either…

Tip #9: These guys really dig stats.
If you want to really make a significant contribution and "make your mark," (as PhiSlamma so aptly put it one time in the midst of insulting yet another poor post of mine), dig dig dig dig on the internet until you find some interesting statistics that may enlighten some important element of the game, such as just how long does it take Q to get from first-to-third on a single and has there been anyone slower in the history of baseball. Coming up with new acronyms for statistical categories that no normal person understands is also a good idea and can be very impressive.

Tip 10: For an idea of how to achieve greatness, how you too can be brilliant and clever (even if it means ripping off someone else), you may want to read this: Linkie

This Fan-Post is authored by an independent fan. Tell us what you think and how you feel.

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