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Around SBN: Devils Beat Rangers, Head To Stanley Cup Finals

Mike Napoli And The Father Who Wouldn't Love Him (Part 2)

The continuation of this epic tale of sibling rivalry.

Star-divide

Chapters 1-3 are here.

Chapter 4

Jeff got to play a lot of games. He was still very bad. He was one of the worst hitters in the advanced league. He was also bad at being a catcher. His arm was very weak and sometimes he threw the ball with no one there to catch it. The other players laughed at him.

People stopped saying that Jeff was going to be a star. They thought he should just stop playing baseball. They thought maybe he could be good at football instead. They said he still had "natural athleticism."

One day, Mikey heard his dad and Mr. Arthur having an argument. It was about Jeff and Little Mike. Mr. Arthur thought that Jeff was bad at baseball. He thought that Little Mike should get to play more often. He hit lots of home runs. He took lots of walks.

But Big Mike kept saying that Jeff was "premium." He said that Little Mike struck out too much. He said he was bad because he didn't "pressure the defense." Mikey always wondered what "pressure the defense" meant.

Mr. Arthur told Big Mike that Jeff struck out even more than Little Mike. He told him that he had the worst batting average in the advanced league. He also told him that Jeff was not any better at being a catcher than Little Mike. Mr. Arthur said Big Mike had to let Little Mike play more often.

Mr. Arthur made Big Mike agree to let Mikey play catcher more often. Sometimes Mikey could hit even on days when it wasn't his turn to be the catcher. Mikey was very happy. He just wanted to make his father happy. He wanted his father to love him as much as he loved Jeff.

"I'm going to make you so proud of me!" Little Mike told his father. "I'm going to be help the team so much."

"Don't be silly," Big Mike said with a frown. "You're not a run producer."

"But daddy, you always put me at the bottom of the lineup. You make me hit after Eric and Howard and they never get on base." It was true. "How am I supposed to produce runs with no one on base?"

"Run producers always find ways to produce runs. That's why they're called run producers. They produce runs."

"Daddy, that doesn't even make sense." Little Mike was very confused. "Don't I hit lots of home runs?"

"Solo home runs."

"But Eric and Howard ground out all the time! There's never anyone on base when I hit."

"That's because you're not a run producer," Big Mike said. "Now go run some laps. I have to help Jeff find his swing."'

"I don't get it," Little Mike said. "Did he lose it somewhere?"

"Don't get smart with me! Now start running."

Chapter 5

One day, Kenny broke his leg goofing off. He pretended that home plate was a trampoline. But it wasn't. Unfortunately, Kenny was the best hitter on the team. He played first base. There was no one left on the team who could play first base. Big Mike asked for a volunteer.

"I'll do it!" Mikey shouted with enthusiasm. He was so excited to get to do something to help the team. He wanted his dad to be proud of him. "I can be a good first baseman!"

"You?" Big Mike said. "Don't be silly." But no one else volunteered. "Well, I guess it could give your brother more time behind the plate. His CERA is premium."

"Daddy, what's CERA?"

"It means that he makes pitchers pitch better."

"But daddy, how do you know?" Mikey asked. "Jeff only catches for the good pitchers. You always make me catch for Trevor and Scotty, but everyone says they are bad at pitching." Scotty looked like he was going to cry. "Well, Scotty used to be good."

"That's because Jeff calls a good game. He makes pitchers pitch better."

"So why don't you make Jeff catch for the bad pitchers so he can make them good instead?"

"What did I tell you about talking back to me?" Big Mike was very upset. "Now go find a first baseman's mitt. I have to compliment your brother on his pitch calling ."

"Don't you call all the pitches dad?"

"Don't disobey me!"

Mikey played first base. He had never played first base before, but he was okay. Jeff got to play catcher almost all of the time. He was even worse than before. Jeff was so bad that Mr. Arthur told Big Mike that he had to let Jeff's cousin Bobby play more often. This made Big Mike very upset.

But Big Mike got mad at Mikey instead of Jeff. He told Mikey it was his fault. He said if Mikey wasn't playing first base then Bobby wouldn't have taken Mikey's place at catcher, and then Jeff wouldn't be losing his place to Bobby. Mikey didn't think this made any sense, but he tried hard to understand.

Then one day, Mikey heard his father say that he was going to let Johnny play first base instead of him. He even heard him say lots of good things about Johnny. This made Mikey very mad and very sad. He was trying so hard to make his father happy. He didn't want to cry in front of his father, but he couldn't help it.

"But why?" Mikey cried. "Johnny isn't very good at hitting. He's never played first base!"

"Don't be such a crybaby." Mikey's father was very stern. "You've never played first base either."

"Neither have Howard or that fat kid who was here one weekend. But you let them play instead of me too!"

"Now you're embarrassing me. Don't embarrass your father."

"What about Brandy? She's a girl and you let her play first base sometimes!"

"Grow up. Girls don't have cooties," Big Mike said. "Besides, Brandy hits very well for a girl her age."

"But why?" Mikey cried again. "I try so hard to make you happy. What do I have to do? I'm one of the best hitters on the team. I hit more home runs than anyone." Now Mikey could not stop the tears from flowing. "I just want you to love me, but you only love Jeff!"

"Now that you mention it," Big Mike said. "Your brother is very premium."

"But it's not fair!" Mikey shouted. He didn't wait to see what his father would say. He just ran away. He ran to his hiding spot under the bleachers. He went there to cry after games when he hit home runs. Big Mike never noticed when he hit home runs and it always made him sad and want to cry. But he was much more sad than that. This was the most sad he had ever been in his life. He sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. But it didn't make him feel better at all.

To Be Continued

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Hilarious!

Took me a minute to figure out who Brandy was. Can’t wait for the “premium” final chapters…

by Big Easy Halofan on Sep 1, 2010 7:27 AM PDT reply actions  

I even had to go to Baseball Ref to figure out Brandy...

and immediately felt dumb as a brick. Of course.

Brilliant, brilliant work Suboptimal.

by rghan on Sep 1, 2010 7:45 AM PDT up reply actions  

Ok got me.

Is Brandy, Frandsen? That’s what I was thinking…

Any time you think you have the game conquered the game will turn around and punch you right in the nose.

Mike Schmidt

by Monkeyspanked on Sep 1, 2010 7:54 AM PDT reply actions  

HAHAHA! Oh duh!

I must have been pushing B Wood out of my conscience. Hurts too much…

Any time you think you have the game conquered the game will turn around and punch you right in the nose.

Mike Schmidt

by Monkeyspanked on Sep 1, 2010 8:59 AM PDT up reply actions  

Brandy, you're a fine girl

What a good hitter you will be, but that pitch, you swing and missed, was strike three!

"That boy is our last hope" - Obi Wan Scioscia, as Francisco Rodriguez left for the Mets. "No, there is another" - Yoda Reagins.

by RallyMonkey5 on Sep 1, 2010 8:13 AM PDT reply actions  

*swung at and missed*

Angels baseball. We do what we must, because we can -- HaloDutch

by red floyd on Sep 1, 2010 9:06 AM PDT up reply actions  

Awhh, this is so sad.

Also, is that actually Mathis in the picture? It looks more like Bulger.

by ~MMP~ on Sep 1, 2010 8:17 AM PDT reply actions  

The caption says it's Mathis

But the caption also says they’re celebrating a walk-off home run when it was actually a walk-off RBI double.

by Suboptimal on Sep 1, 2010 10:47 AM PDT up reply actions  

Plus one on saving this for the ages.

Nothing signifies the inevitable pivot of the Scioscia-Reagins era from ascendant moneyed myth to muddled mediocrity than Scioscia’s Mathis fetish and misuse of Napoli. This season is just so many chickens coming home to shit on the patio.

His blind faith in CERA and RISP as a repeatable skill take the shine off the man once his legendary cub mother skills have withered in the cold of failure. Scioscia doesn’t look good at much of anything these days, least of all at communicating, inspiring or developing his players.

Spot on snapshot of the way things were, Sub Op. Here’s to better days.

by Turks Teeth on Sep 1, 2010 9:05 AM PDT via mobile up reply actions  

^ ^ Yeah!

What T.T. Cummings said! (I think… I’m pretty sure….)

"That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball." ~Bill Veeck

by LAASurfin on Sep 1, 2010 5:07 PM PDT up reply actions  

"Neither have Howard or that fat kid who was here one weekend. But you let them play instead of me too!"

ROFLMAO!!!

"You gotta have nuts." / "Coming Around 3rd, especially if I'm ticked off, that's going to happen." - Torii Hunter

by Commander_Nate on Sep 1, 2010 8:47 AM PDT reply actions  

I actually laughed at

The “fat kid” part.

WTY's ERA+ = 147 : - ) -- Kevin Frandsen > Brandon Wood??????

by Figgi4life on Sep 1, 2010 10:12 AM PDT via mobile up reply actions  

I wonder if this story is going around the Angels clubhouse....

Oh to be a fly on that wall!

Any time you think you have the game conquered the game will turn around and punch you right in the nose.

Mike Schmidt

by Monkeyspanked on Sep 1, 2010 9:00 AM PDT reply actions  

We do have LAA'nsiders here now...

"You gotta have nuts." / "Coming Around 3rd, especially if I'm ticked off, that's going to happen." - Torii Hunter

by Commander_Nate on Sep 1, 2010 9:15 AM PDT up reply actions  

This story is...

wait for it…

Premium

Angels baseball. We do what we must, because we can -- HaloDutch

by red floyd on Sep 1, 2010 9:07 AM PDT reply actions  

"It means that he makes pitchers pitch better."

The best definition ever of what that CERA bullshit means

All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

by Quad Fin Rider on Sep 1, 2010 9:09 AM PDT reply actions  

Comic Gold...

Seriously, I absolutely love it.

RIP Nick...

Jim Scully
Jim Scully Home

by jimmuscomp on Sep 1, 2010 9:45 AM PDT reply actions  

Too funny

Good stuff, cant wait for part two.

by TSamn15 on Sep 1, 2010 9:56 AM PDT reply actions  

that was part 2..

This is Angels Baseball, we are fAn strong
Just another Halo victory!

by HalosFanInNorCal on Sep 1, 2010 9:59 AM PDT up reply actions  

Fat Kid = Mike Ryan?
Seems like he would be the type of player that Scioscia would like.

by Barca on Sep 1, 2010 10:00 AM PDT reply actions  

Fat Kid = McNaulty

This is Angels Baseball, we are fAn strong
Just another Halo victory!

by HalosFanInNorCal on Sep 1, 2010 10:01 AM PDT up reply actions  

Sub, you forgot to include all the times that lil' Mike messed around with all the little neighborhood girls.

Maybe that’s why Papa Sosh doesn’t like him.

"If he raced his pregnant wife he'd finish third"
Tommy Lasorda on catcher Mike Scioscia

by sheisalovelyladyandmyapologiestoher on Sep 1, 2010 10:10 AM PDT reply actions  

No no.

I think that’s his “rebellion” stage.

WTY's ERA+ = 147 : - ) -- Kevin Frandsen > Brandon Wood??????

by Figgi4life on Sep 1, 2010 10:13 AM PDT via mobile up reply actions  

Mathis sure is Premium

"You play for Cleveland? I didn't know they still had a team." - Claire Holloway
"Yup, we've got uniforms and everything, it's really great!" - Jake Taylor

by Halowood on Sep 1, 2010 10:19 AM PDT reply actions  

Maybe Big Mike doesn't like Little Mikey bcuz

he stepped on his brothers throwing hand on purpose in the beginning of the season…lol…the lost chronicles…jk

Great job Sub!

by maze88 on Sep 1, 2010 11:30 AM PDT via mobile reply actions  

A few years ago

Howie, Casey, and Brandon were the Holy Trinity. What the heck happened?

by bighig on Sep 1, 2010 12:25 PM PDT reply actions  

our super IF
was supposed to be Kotchman, Howie, Wood, and McPherson. We got only 1 left

by phoenix15 on Sep 1, 2010 12:49 PM PDT up reply actions  

I laughed the entire time I was reading it!

Suboptimal, thanks for a great post.

A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.

by angelslogic on Sep 1, 2010 12:59 PM PDT reply actions  

This is FANTASTIC.

LOVE IT!

Light up that halo! RIP, Nick.

by Clutch on Sep 1, 2010 1:41 PM PDT reply actions  

considering we dont get Crawford in the off season.

Would anybody trade Naps to the Doyers for Matt Kemp?
The numbers are:
NAPOLI: BA .247
              HR 21
              RBI 60
   KEMP: BA .253
              HR 22
              RBI 74
Doesn’t look to bad if we can move him to left feild, have bobby at DH, and go with a Conger/Wilson catch combo with ryan budde as a back up. What do you think?

by (!ts_a_C.A._thing) on Sep 1, 2010 2:24 PM PDT via mobile reply actions  

I like kemp but he is more lazy than juan is

He doesnt really care unless your winning.

" With Haren bolstering the rotation, the Angels are set up beautifully for 2011"- Another East coast biased reporter

by Halos2011champs on Sep 1, 2010 2:48 PM PDT via mobile up reply actions  

true

I forgot about that. I like Either more then Kemp but I doubt we’d be able to get Either for what it would cost to get Kemp. It was just a thought because I have a real feeling Naps is gonna be gone after this year along with Kendrick or possibly Aybar.

by (!ts_a_C.A._thing) on Sep 1, 2010 3:19 PM PDT via mobile up reply actions  

No Way

We need those numbers as a Catcher.
Those numbers as an outfielder are mediocre.

by Barca on Sep 1, 2010 3:30 PM PDT up reply actions  

Kemp is better than those numbers

In a new environment, away from Torre, I think Kemp could blossom back into his 2008-09 self. I’d make that trade in a heartbeat.

by The_Question on Sep 1, 2010 6:17 PM PDT up reply actions  

You'll have to pry Mathis,

From Scioscia’s cold dead fingers. There is absolutely no way (that I can see) that Mathis loses his starting job.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE POWER OF THE DARKSIDE.....

by halofolife on Sep 1, 2010 3:48 PM PDT up reply actions  

In a New York minute

I’ve been dreaming of this for a long time now. The Dodgers have treated him like shit from Day One, and will undervalue him in a trade. They also need catching and other pieces. If we could trade a non-Napoli/Conger catcher, then include Rivera, Wood, and maybe Willits, then maybe they wouldn’t ask for the moon in getting a fifth element who can actually play winning baseball.

Meanwhile, take that athleticism, stick it in left field, take the pressure off, and put him in the Angels’ pretty well-structured environment….. Oh man, that would be fine.

by mattwelch on Sep 1, 2010 5:46 PM PDT up reply actions  

Shit, trade Premium Mathis for him then

If Colleti grumbles offer him Mickey Hatcher too.

by Balls and Strikes on Sep 1, 2010 10:05 PM PDT up reply actions  

You are crazy!!!!

You can’t trade Hatcher! he’s a premium hitting coach! ;)

YOU DON'T KNOW THE POWER OF THE DARKSIDE.....

by halofolife on Sep 1, 2010 11:33 PM PDT up reply actions  

Erstad for

manager, GA batting coach

by bighig on Sep 1, 2010 4:30 PM PDT reply actions  

Salmon for GM...

Bengie Molina for strength and conditioning coach.

I love this team.

by Downing Rules on Sep 1, 2010 5:26 PM PDT up reply actions  

Not the only one

Glad to see I’m not the only one who knows there’s something very wrong with playing Mathis instead of Napoli!

by me33 on Sep 3, 2010 9:11 PM PDT reply actions  

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