Step right up, folks. I present to you the secret ingredient behind Dr. Lyle's Patented Cure-All Tonic For Aches, Pains, Indigestion, Minor Flesh Wounds, And Inadvisable Baseball Decisions (With A Pinch of Peppermint And A Dose of Laudanum). Grass. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, ordinary grass. You'll see this 32 year-old outfielder learn to fly once he's freed of the earthly shackles of artificial turf. You'll forget all your worries as you watch Vernon Wells win an MVP award right before your eyes. Just ask Andre Dawson, who did it after moving off of concrete at the exact same age! Coincidence?
Yup. Seriously, the fact that Wells can't field his old position anymore is somehow a good thing?