What? You guys are all geeked out on this "division race"?

Pfft.

Obviously your overwhelming and crippling pessimism has not overcome you entirely, making you focus on the upcoming offseason like it has to me. Every night when I put on my "I LOVE STEVE PHYSIOC" footie onesies on and cuddle up next to my "COMM NATE + HALOWOOD = FOREVER" pillow I drift off to the land where the Angels have one legitimate hitter in its pathetic line up. A universe that isnt one in which its best hitter has a sub .300 OBP and the future lies in the hands of a guy who doesn't even have the common decency to not be a name jacking doppleganger of another past Angel legend.

Here is my top five reasons why Prince "I Am A Better Hitter (and eater (dont worry more fat jokes are coming, buckle up its going to be one hilarious ride) ) Than Your Entire Team Combined" Fielder needs to be signed AT ALL COSTS in my second edition of Phi's Five. (The FIRST Phi's Five)

NUMBER FIVE:

When he hits the ball, it bursts into fire and leaves a smoke trial. Tell me "Angel Fans" which player on the team RIGHT NOW has recently burst a baseball into flames based purely on his awesome hitting ability? Yeah, that's right, I hope you feel stupid for even Google searching that.

NUMBER FOUR:

This picture symbolizes one thing and one thing only:

Passion. He just LOVES the feeling of victory all over his face (in the form of champagne) foaming in his goatee and dripping off his chin in all its glorious, white, sticky, expensive glory. The man shows he does WHAT IT TAKES to be a winner.

NUMBER THREE:

Prince is really really really really really fat. Like holy shit, who slides with chicken legs in his hands? The umps are really slipping if they allow that kind of obese-ness (yes that is a word, no dont google it) on the field. ROBOTS WOULDN'T FRIED CHICKEN ON THE FIELD THIS PICTURE ENRAGES ME. I BET THAT FAT ASSHOLE JOE WEST WAS UMPING THIS GAME AND HE GOT A CUT OF THE CHICKEN BUCKET TO LET HIM BE FAT IN PUBLIC, I BET KFC HAS A CUT IN THIS, WE MUST ALL LOBBY AND WRITE LETTERS TO..... wait whats that? Its photo..what!? I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE!..........durable.

NUMBER TWO:

Despite worries, Prince Fielder is definitely not the hated Mo Vaughn. Not even close. 

HOW DARE YOU EVEN INSINUATE SUCH TOMFOOLERY, YOU INFIDEL!

See totally different. I assume this will put to rest ANY concerns ANY has EVER had about these two players being REMOTELY the same.

NUMBER ONE:

.....this happened.

200M/10 Years, Book it.