Let's look at the 2013 Angels giveaway game schedule and figure out what to expect from the free junk Arte dangles in front of you. Special thanks to BrownLunchSack for posting the schedule he got at this afternoon's Select-A-Seat event...
April 9: Wall Calendar. The traditional magnetic schedule has given way to the calendar, a likely reflection of the current recession where fewer and fewer people have refrigerators on which to stick a magnetic schedule.
April 10: Wall Calendar. Expect Arte's errand boy John "Billboard Bozo" Carpino to sell lots of advertisements in this thing if they are giving it out two games in a row.
April 11: Mike Trout Silver Slugger Blanket. Missing Beach Boys verse: "...and the Anaheim Girls with their Mike Trout Blankets they keep their boyfriends warm at night..."
April 12: Big Bang Friday. I am not going to list every Big Bang Friday but since the Angels will not be reminding their fans that BBF sponsor Wells Fargo has been routinely implicated for laundering drug cartel money I guess I can.
April 13: Mike Trout Rookie of the Year Bobblehead. I predict a sellout for this game and an average eBay price of $45 per bobblehead afterward.
May 4: Angels Fedora Hat. Because you can always look super cool wearing something dorky like this hat if you find someone wearing that Cowboy hat giveaway from last season.
May 14: MLB Channel Drawstring Bag. I doubt this helps attendance for a Tuesday game against the Royals.
May 16: Mark Trumbo Bobblehead. Assume that Trumbo will not be traded by then...
May 18: Angels Camouflage Hat. Wearing red to the stadium is way more camouflage than this cap will ever be.
May 21: Mike Trout Pint Glass. Will Trout have 16 Stolen Bases by mid-May to match the 16 ounces in this cup?
June 1: Angels Rally Wig. What is the opposite of camouflage?
June 18: Mike Trout Fish Hat. You can assume it is not something you wear fishing.
June 20: C.J. Wilson Bobblehead. Will the sculpting craftsmen of China render his elbow's bone chips with the precision of a delicately-designed Ming Vase?
July 2: Angels Cooler. Please drink reshponshibly so you can tell the oshifer who pulls you over all about your bitchin cooler.
July 20: Postgame Concert Featuring Billy Currington. How come they never have tribute bands? Wouldn't a Led Zeppelin tribute band draw well instead of some flavor of the month hayseed?
July 23: Surfing Rally Monkey Plush Toy. Tell that chimp to get out of the water and back to the stadium to produce wins or we get Doctor Zaius to clone us a replacement.
August 1: Albert Pujols Pint Glass. Will Albert have 16 homeruns by this date to match the 16 ounces in a pint?
August 3: Mike Trout Kids Jersey. Total discrimination in only allowing kids to get this item, but don't date a sixteen-year old just to get one. On second thought, you go BRO!!!
August 17: Postgame Concert - Act to be determined. Are The Captain and Tenille still touring?
September 22: Team Photo. A Fan Appreciation Day Staple.
Every Friday is the Sinaloa Cartel Fireworks spectacular and each Sunday is Kids Run The Bases.