We're currently sitting at a 3-6 record, and the game threads appear by the day to be becoming a more and more dreary place to find one's self during an Angels' telecast. Negativity (and hostility!) abound, as the team drifts deeper and deeper into mediocrity or downright lousiness. And you know what? I can't help but agree with the pitchfork-and-torch-wielding maniacs! Why? Because this team is woeful. That's why I've compiled the following list of REASONS WE SHOULD ALL PANIC, based on the first week of play:
1) ALBERT PUJOLS WILL ONLY OPS .624 FOR THE ENTIRE SEASON
2) 100% OF DAN HAREN'S STARTS WILL BE BAD
3) 50% OF JERED WEAVER'S STARTS WILL BE BAD
4) ERVIN SANTANA WILL POST AN ERA NEAR 8 FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR
5) 50% OF OUR BULLPEN WILL SPORT ERAs OF 6 OR HIGHER FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR
6) DAN HAREN WILL HAVE A HIP (WHIP MINUS H) OF 2.00 FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR
7) ERICK AYBAR WILL FINISH HE SEASON WITH A .265 OBP
8) CHRIS IANNETTA WILL LEAD THE TEAM IN HOMERS THIS YEAR
9) KENDRYS MORALES WILL CONTINUE AN ASTOUNDING PACE BY GOING 1 OUT OF EVERY 23 AT-BATS FOR THE REST OF HIS SEASON
10) TORII HUNTER WILL CONTINUE HIS ASSAULT ON MARK REYNOLDS' SINGLE SEASON K RECORD WHILE OPSing .627
11) CALLASPO WILL SUCCESSFULLY CUT IN HALF MATHIS' CAREER AVERAGE OPS
12) THE ANGELS WILL CONTINUE THEIR CURRENT PACE, AND FIGHT WITH THE 1962 METS FOR WORST RECORD EVER, AS THEY ARE CURRENTLY SLATED TO LOSE 108 RIGHT NOW.
And how do I know this will all happen? CUZ WE'RE ALL ALREADY ON PACE FOR IT AFTER PLAYING LIKE ALMOST 100 INNINGS OF BASEBALL. IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING PEOPLE!
REDUCE. REUSE. RECYCLE.