All The Ways Terry Francona Would Change Things (A Satire)

Some time two nights ago a friend of mine were texting back and forth how bummed we are about this whole 2012 meltdown. Both long time fans we came to the conclusion that we would rather have a low-payroll team that comes with little to no expectations than a high-payroll team that underachieves.

Naturally, though, our conversation switched to how (if at all) the Angels could correct their problems. The subject landed on Mike Scioscia. And like so many of you out there, that means the subject also landed on Terry Francona, who seems to be the only viable replacement to HH'ers everywhere.

I don't know if all of this is Scioscia's fault. I also don't know if Francona would be any better. I have ideas, just like all of you, but in the end I watch the games through a 13-inch laptop and that means, I just don't know. BUT, we sure can fantasize. And so my friend and I did. Things got a little out of hand (beer) and quickly our text-messaging fell into absurdity when imagining ALL of the ways, Francona would change the culture of this team.

To add some lightness to a terrible terrible August, I'd thought I'd share our very very absurd list of things Francona would do to change the culture of the Angels in hopes to get at least a single laugh out of you as you watch it fall into absurdity. Here is the exact transcript of our text messaging for a brief two minutes. Hope you get a kick out of it. Sorry if any of this offensive.


Me: Francona would get rid of small ball. Just hard nose, eff-you power ball.

Friend: Francona will have a single lineup.

Me: Francona won't put up with bullshit like Vernon Wells and Jason Isringhausen

Friend: And he'd offer beer and chicken for all good players.

Me: And he'd would hire prostitutes for all winning pitchers.

Friend: He would let Tony Phillips give pep talks.

Me: Francona would make Pujols piss on the Crystal Cathedral late at night.

Friend: He would steal the keys to Iannetta's Jeep Wrangler and hide it.

Me: And crappy play would result in making that player watch home-made videos of him and his ex-wife

Friend: He'd make Weaver get a stick and poke tattoo on his face.

Friend: And he'd make Izturis mow his lawn.

Me:: Francona would make Mike Trout circumcise new borns at UCI Medical Center

Friend: And he'd slurp his beer as loud as possible at Albert's christmas party

Friend: He would crash Santana's daughter's quinceanera

Me: He'd tell the FBI that Aybar was smuggling children out of the US

Me: He'd offer a mustache ride to Jackie Autry

Me: Francona would coach games shirtless

Friend: with orange sun block on his nose

Friend: and wear a sunhat

Friend: And drink the blood of Joe Torre

Me: you drunk?

Friend: yep.

Me: me too.

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