I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it appears that the discussions of Mike Trout's weight will soon surface again. Early reports have confirmed that Trout, reporting to camp early, has gained a shocking amount of weight. While he played most of last year between 230 and 210, it appears that this year Trout has reported to camp more than 15,000 pounds overweight.
You read that right folks. You might be wondering how he could gain 15,000 pounds, a full 7.5 tons, in one offseason. Sadly, the truth is that Mr. Trout has somehow morphed into a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Trout's transformation raises many important questions that I'm sure we'll be hearing about all Spring. Will he be able to wield a bat as fearsomely as he has thus far in his career? Will his stolen base numbers drop as a result of his weight gain? Can dinosaurs wear gloves? Will the MLB allow a dinosaur to play center field? Will he need a new nickname? Can he be persuaded to wear a uniform?
Unfortunately, I cannot answer any of these questions for you guys. There is, however, good news. T-Rexes have notoriously good eyesight, with their visual acuity being estimated at more than thirteen times that of humans. Tyrannosaurus Rexes brain's are not, as some have reported, the size of walnuts. As a matter of fact, they are among the smartest species of dinosaurs. Additionally, it's doubtful that this transformation will make our Mr. Trout any less intimidating towards enemy pitchers.
Perhaps Trout's transformation will turn out to harm his baseball value, but I'm of the opinion that we have to trust his judgement and the fact that he's the best player in the game, and will continue to be. Certainly, it will give us something to talk about this spring.
As of the time of writing this, Mr. Trout had eaten every reporter that tried to talk with him. Currently, he's being given a large berth by the media as he smashes cars in the parking lot.