Oakychoaky Bad Bat-Stroaky

The Oakland Athletics got no-hit for nine and two-thirds innings in a ten inning spring training loss today - to the Cubs.

So pin your hopes on the Angels' anemic bats now,

Lick your Pecota Popsicle over Casey Kotchman's low sample size of at-bats making him appear as a minor leaguer to your computer, never once thinking that Mark Ellis will never repeat a 125 VORP... (he can't, he won't, he's average and regressing to the mean by the minute),

Pretend that Kelvim Escobar's removed bone spurs were just the beginning and that Milton Bradley's pinkie and Eric ShuhVEZ' shoulder are made of precisely aligned titanium...

Assume Garret Anderson is 33 going on 44 while you wait for Bobby Crosby and Rich Harden to each play one measly healthy season.

Make a Bartolo fat joke while you ignore a lead-footed gallon of molasses on the basepaths in all their green-and-gold-double-play-waiting-to-happen-glory...

The Oakychoaky Februaries have been celebrating their 2006 World Championship for the month of Predictionary. As the new season dawns, there's holes in their swings, aches in their arms and the issue of clubhouse chemistry is still taboo on stat-team island.

Maybe the OakChoke Nation better start composing rationalizations for their impending failure now and test them as April trial balloons after each early loss in order to remain "On-Message" when the Billy Beane Disco Ball lights up an empty Autumn dance floor...

NOTE: in all fairness, the Oakychoakies were playing a split squad - as were the Cubs, but the lineup featured Jason Kendall, ShuhVEZ, Milton Bradley, Marco Polo, Jay "Chemistry" Payton and the guy who did get the hit, Dan "Don't Google Me" Johnson. The other A's team beat Seattle 20-8, but what glory is there in victory over The AL West equivalent of a girl's JV team?