All-Star Game, 9th Inning Player Thoughts Transcript

Just something I came up with looking back at the 9th inning. Think The Dugout. That's pretty much what this is.

Putz: Whoo! I'm the man! One more out, and Ichiro buys me beer for saving his MVP.

D. Young: Wow. I'm boned. He blew those other guys away like it was nothing. I can't handle pressure like this! I play on the Nationals for crying out loud!

Pujols: Why the f### am I not batting right now?

La Russa: Da Meat Tree. Cracks me up every time. /takes another swig of Jack Daniels

Posada: All right buddy, just bring that fastball inside, and we take the win for 10th straight year.

Putz: /throws fastball inside

D. Young: Ohcrapohcrapohcrap /rolls weak grounder to second

Putz: Hell yeah, I kick ass.

Roberts: /bungles play horribly, then stares at ball. Days later, Dmitri Young gets to first

Puts: WTF!!! DUDE!

Scorekeeper: A hit! Now, where did I put those con-FLABBING spectacles? /mumbles about kids and this newfangled "baseball" thing

Young: ~wheeze~ Holy... ~pant~ Crap... ~wheeze~ I made it... /passes out from lack of oxygen

Putz: All right, no problem. Soriano swings at everything. I'll just strike him out.

Soriano: Yeah, lets do this. First pitch swinging, here we--ouch, something in my eye.

Umpire: Strike 1.

Putz: What the? He didn't swing? He's up to something. Oh well, got strike one, he'll start swinging. Suck on some out-of-the-zone fastballs!

Umpire: Ball 1...

Soriano: Hold up, could we get some water or something?..

Umpire: Ball 2...

Soriano: Seriously, this burns like hell. Ow.

Umpire: Ball 3...

Soriano: Got it! Finally. All right, I'm ready for you now, let's start the at-bat.

Putz: What the hell is going on? Whatever, just set him up low and outside, he'll ground out.

Posada: All right, low and outside, no problem.

Putz: /pitches

Posada: Dude, that is so NOT low and outside.

Soriano: YES!! GREEN LIGHT MOTHAF####!! /hits two run homer

Soriano: /rolls Dmitri Young's unconscious body around the bases in front of him

Roberts: /still staring at the spot where he dropped the ball

Roberts: Man, I am sooooo dead back in the clubhouse.

Pujols: YES! You da man La Russa, I was wrong to doubt you. Now I can come in, and tie this bitch up!

La Russa: For heeeeeeeee's a jolly good felloooooooooow; that, nobody can deny!

Pujols: F###.

Putz: Roberts, you are SO dead back in the clubhouse.

Leyland: Goddamnit. Better get K-Rod throwing.

K-Rod: YES! Put me in already, let's DO IT. Bring that shit ON!

Hardy: Just get on base, you can do it, Hardy.

Putz: More like "Kill Brian." That son of a bitch.

Hardy: Don'tswingdon'tswingdon'tswing

Putz: KillRobertskillRobertskillroberts

K-Rod: walkhimwalkhimwalkhim

Putz: /walks Hardy

Puts: SHIT.

Hardy: Thank god.

K-Rod: HELL YEAH! Put me in there, bitch!

Leyland: /brings in K-Rod

Pujols: Okay, I have to hand it to you La Russa, you were awful gutsy, but you called it right. Now I can hit a walk-off.

La Russa: To Bill Brasky!

Pujols: F###.

K-Rod: Okay, who's up? Derrek Lee? LET'S DO THIS SHIT!!

K-Rod: /throws fastball outside and low

Lee: Okay, he's a little wild. Just watch out for that slider, and crush the fastball.

K-Rod: /throws slider outside and low

Lee: Yeah, I totally have this in the bag.

K-Rod: Heh. Now to break his spirit. /throws an impossibly filthy slider that catches the inside corner

Lee: What... the F###... was that? Oh, I'm screwed.

K-Rod: /Bounces slider in the dirt

Lee: Maybe not. Just have to not swing here.

K-Rod: /throws slider that hangs forever before ducking out of the zone at the last minute

Lee: /swings, barely fouls it off

Lee: Yeah, I'm so screwed.

K-Rod: GOODNIGHT GRACIE!! /Throws slider

Lee: /check swings, gets nothing

Lee: Crap. Game over.

K-Rod: Game over.

Leyland: FINALLY.

Pujols: DAMNIT.

1B Umpire: Ball 4.

K-Rod: Whatchusay?

Lee: Wait, I'm safe? YES!

Leyland: WAIT, HE'S SAFE? NO!

Pujols: Okay, we got lucky there, but now we can definitely win it if I go in there.

La Russa: Blrgaagnsdlegsneg

Pujals: Son of a...

K-Rod: Well that's annoy... wait. This is good. I can face Pujols. I've been wanting to take that motherf###er on forever. Let's do it. Battle of the Titans, BRING IT ON.

Hudson: /steps to the plate

K-Rod: What the... you're not Pujols. Get out of the batter's box.

Hudson: /waits

K-Rod: Fine, you know what, I'm walking your ass, I don't care.

Hudson: /walks

Leyland: WILL SOMEBODY THROW A GODDAMN STRIKE ALREADY!? You, Young, you're a pitcher right?

M. Young: Um... actually, that's the other guy, on the Padr-

Leyland: You're a pitcher. Go warm up.

Young: Oooookay.

Pujols: La Russa, the bases are loaded. This situation can't possibly get any better for us. I'm the best hitter you've got, and the next guy up is Aaron Rowand for crying out lou--you're not going to put me in, are you?

La Russa: /snores loudly

Pujols: /gets so angry he accidentally activates his heat-vision and burns a four-foot wide hole in the dugout wall

Pujols: Screw this, I'm out of here. /flies off

K-Rod: Aaron Rowand? Who ARE these people? Whatever, this sucks.

Rowand: /makes last out

Leyland: /has heart attack

K-Rod: /looks at Leyland

K-Rod: Yeah, I still got it though. Victim number three-hundred twenty-four-thousand eight-hundred fifty-nine, and counting.

/players shake hands, leave. Ichiro gets MVP. Fans leave. Lights get turned out

Roberts: /still staring at where he dropped the ball

Roberts: I can't believe I didn't catch that. Man, I suck. Putz is going to Kick. My. Ass.