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My Visit to Dodger Stadium

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Since many Angel fans will likely be attending this weekend's interleague games at Dodger Stadium, I visited the home of the "Blue Crew" to give you all a guide to visiting the park.

Well, first off, get ready to pay $15 to park your car. Public transportation is an option if you feel like walking a mile - oh well, if you pay the $15, chances are you will walk the mile anyway. By the way, Frank McCourt probably sends that money to Boston.

PHOTO 1: Approaching the stadium shows murals of great Dodger heroes. No pictures of Mike "Two Blue Rings" Scioscia anywhere to be seen. The man in the photo is wearing a Kevin Brown tee-shirt by the way.

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The concession stands have pretty much the same overpriced food you can get anywhere, nothing special, nothing too terrible. I live in South Central near the Farmer John slaughterhouse so anyone who waxes impressed about the famous "Dodger Dog" can come take a whiff of the dog's ass on Wednesday slaughter nights from my front porch.

PHOTO 2: The concession stands DO feature mid-1980s television sets for in-game telecasts, neck achingly higher than the brand new hi-def screens for paid advertising. By the way, Frank McCourt probably sends that money to Boston.

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When you take your food back to your seat, prepare to revisit that recent Yoga class exercise that involved French-Kissing your knees. Oh, you don't take Yoga? Well, prepare to be twisted like a pretzel in the chintzy shingles on a shelf that comprise Frank McCourt's plastic bunholders. You will likely not ever get too stiff from sitting in this awkward position, as Dodger fans have the world's smallest bladders and endlessly get out of their seats and walk toward the aisle - forcing you to detach your chin from your knees about 1,400 times per game.

PHOTO 3: As an added bonus, you cannot see the action on the field when someone is sitting in front of you at beautiful Dodger Stadium.

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PHOTO 4: No matter how many cholos the hysterical L.A. Times assures you that you will encounter at Chavez Ravine, the San Fernando Valley's Pasty-Whites are out in force ... or at least, out in hiding. You see, for all of their claim to the glories of Southern California, Dodger fans are sure scared shitless of sitting in the sun.

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PHOTO 5: Either the Valley's finest are in hiding or the Dodgers have no problem lying about their attendance...

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PHOTO 6: Even when the guy in front of you leans back to reveal the field, you will likely have many sitelines blocked by the small-bladder tribe (better known as the "Dodger faithful") as they trounce up and down the many staircases in this mid-century architectural homage to cliff-scaling.

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The stadium's folksy jumboscreens are a throwback to a different, simpler time, like so much in their unintentionally nostalgiac ballpark. Perhaps these different, simpler fans are not refined enough to have high standards.

PHOTO 7: The Dodgers are nice enough to let Whitey know that they have an in-house gang task force to protect his daughters from all those alleged gangbangers you read about attending games in the LA Times...

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PHOTO 8: If you are jumped, stabbed or teased by TJ Simers at Dodger Stadium, you willl likely end up at County Hospital in line behind all of the real shooting victims the LA Times will be ignoring as they hype the authenticity of the gang member encounters at the Ravine...

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So be safe among all the caucasians, Lasorda-worshippers, celebrity-wannabees, suburban homey-poseurs and rabid Kevin Brown apparel loyalists. Be sure to DVR the game, you will miss most of it as Dodger Stadium seems architecturally designed to prevent you from seeing anything approximating continuity.

For those of you who feast on continual mundane distractions and ugly-people watching, this is the place for you!!!