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Top Ten Reasons To Hate the Red Sox

Let's churn it up...

The Bandwagon
You cannot even safely punch a guy wearing a "B" cap on the street anymore... he doesn't know what it stands for, he just knows that it is trendy. Do you know what they call a star whose time in the spotlight has faded? They call him a B-List celebrity. That is what the B is for... Bandwagon. And even the hardcore fans squabble about the pink hats and Fever Pitch tourists who don't know who Grady Little is.

Goddamn it I miss shouting that simple, catch-all retort.

2004 ALDS Umpiring
Umpire Jerry Meals had season seats in Fenway and squeezed a Bartolo Colon masterpiece in game 2 down to a 3-K affair... Can you say Black Sox please? Had it been the reverse and Bahstin's 9 suffered such a potentially felonious defrauding, there would have been congressional hearings called.

Ben Affleck
Ha! I will take "no celebrity spokesperson in the stands" over that.

ESPN Fawning
It started off as their Jeter-love having a dark side and now they lead off every episode of SportsCenter with a Kevin Youkilis skull-waxing update (next razor swipe scheduled for Wednesday!). Massachusetts, have you no shame?

Theo Epstein Worship
Funny how every team with a budget near Theo's wins 90+ games a year when they stay healthy, but somehow this makes the golden child alone a genius. Billy Beane needs to sue for superlatives copyright infringement.

George Mitchell
A member of the Red Sox Board of Directors investigates steroid use in baseball and finds everyone was terrible except the men on his very own team. After everyone had been sullied and the game forever tarnished, once everyone was sick and tired of it all, oh then... then comes Manny and Papi and of course, all the Nation can do is whine that everyone else did it. A gross manipulation of the evidence to protect the corporate brand.

...and speaking "The Nation"... THE NATION
No marketing scheme, be it a Rally Monkey, thundersticks, dollar hot dog Wednesdays... no marketing scheme is as lame as one that attempts to mimic National Socialism in the name of selling jerseys, hats and teeshirts. If patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel, "The Nation" is the tacky souvenir shop at the train depot of that final refuge.

Dan Shaughnessy
Seriously... get a haircut you puffy girly man. Mike Lupica is J.D. Salinger standing next to this clown.

Yankee Syndrome Blindness
The more the Red Sox have won this decade, the more the team and their fans have morphed into a mimickry of Yankees fans - arrogant, spoiled by success, oblivious to 28 other teams in the league, and self-assured they are "baseball-educated" when they don't even know the history of Pumpsie Green breaking Mister Yawkey's apartheid. They have become the thing that they hate most - Red Sox Nation has become the A-Rod of baseball fans: Chumps who assume that they are to be adored by all for their inherent (virtue?), when in reality they are blinded by the arrogance of lucking into a good run.