clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Angels Aware: Texas Rangers Preview

The First Place Texas Rangers are hosting the Angels this weekend. Any games you can get against the Rangers in Mallington before July you take. Whole teams have melted in Sun God Stadium where Clear Channel has built an Aztec pyramid to sacrifice expired ballplayers before the breezy ballpark blows homers out of would-be grounders.

The Dallas Cowboy batters are alright and unlike in years passed, the pitching is a little bit better than okay. Let’s take a closer look at the successors to Aikman and Staubach:

C – Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Like an idiot I believed Keith Law when he said the Saltpeter would be a great fantasy pick. You will notice few bragging posts about my fantasy teams this year, all of which have the lame Saltpeter on them.

1B – Chris Davis – Are his 9 HR worth the 52 strikeouts in 113 ABs?

2B – Ian Kinsler – You can’t say he sucks, and that sucks.

3B – Michael Young – He is earning his money so far this season. I believe there is a high tech mirror in the locker room at the Mallington Ballpark that shows images of Ian Kinsler in it every time Michael Young walks by. Angels game plan should include hacking the electrical system of the ballyard and reprogramming in images of Howie Kendrick instead.

SS – Elvis Andrus – the difference maker has made the Texas pitching staff better by getting to every ball hit in the stadium.

OF – Josh Hamilton – Just got healthy in time to kick our butts, but would be happy to escort any of our guys to an AA meeting after the game.

OF – Nelson Cruz – You see, if you are named Nelson, you are used to beating people up by the 2nd day of grade school. He does this to baseballs. Strategy tip: Catcher tells Cruz that various Angel players named their newborn son “Nelson,” lull him into narcissistic sleep and he only hits a ringing double off the wall.

OF – Marlon Byrd – Still lobbying for a trade to the Marlins.

OF – David Murphy – Some fan they pulled from the stands, I guess a Texas tradition, the Rule Fool Draft or something, he has to stay on the roster so they can feel authentic and Texan without coating themselves in barbecue sauce before each game.

OF – Andruw Jones – If I start writing one-liners about this fat pig we will be here all day...

Darren O’Day and Warner Madrigal are like the zombie DFA army Tony Reagins might dread, but picture Jason Bulger as the hero with the silver cross running toward the lair of the undead shouting “Every kid in town idolizes Tony Romo and doesn’t know who you even are!” But it is a tough pen. They are not in first because they just feasted on the lousy A’s and Mariners. Oh wait, yes they are!

Friday: Joe Saunders Vs. Kevin Millwood – Saunders has been nails and will be pitching with an extra day of rest. Millwood is having a career year, soul sold to devil, payback due, maybe Angels make Hades register go Ka-CHING!

Saturday: John Lackey Vs. Vicente Padilla – Lackey be backey. Padilla still be so so so so so ugly. Juan Rivera gonna get his game on for this one. Viva Kevin Gregg, Remember the Donnelly!

Sunday: Jered Weaver Vs. Scott Feldman - Weaver has the lowest AL ERA besides Zack Greinke while Feldman is coming out of the bullpen with an ERA of 5.70 in his past 11 starts in Mallington. What was that U2 song where Bono sings "...I can't believe the news today..." Cool, vintage MTV as Child-'o-the-80s Weaver pours it on!