clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Jason Varitek Passes Ballgame to Angels

New, 260 comments

Final Score in Chapaquidick: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 4, Boston Red Sox 3

The Boston Red Sox have more Achilles Heels than Homer's Odyssey and after a season of feasting on baseball's easiest opponents (Orioles, Rays and Blue Jays), intimidating cowardly umpires and getting nightly licks from National Media schooled in its backyard and broadcasting in pink hats, it was an aging "captain" and Village People backup singer that let a Josh Beckett masterpiece slip through his varicose legs. Jason Varitek, looking arthritic and alzheimic, allowed a strike three to Chone Figgins dribble through his legs and he stood looking for his Depends as Figgins made it to 1st base uncontested, allowing the tying run to score late in the game.

While this sportswriter is no expert on the effect of steroids on a man's ability to field a passed-ball, Varitek looked like his oversize muscles were achingly tearing at the tendons, a known side effect of steroid use. Why was Victor Martinez DHing after leaving town for "personal reasons" (perhaps to avoid a drug test and find a reliable masking agent in Cleveland)?

Baseball's cheatingest team (Boston Red Sox) did not have many opportunities for the umpires in their back pocket to have an effect on the outcome of a game that was well-pitched on both sides, although Josh Beckett was terrified of throwing close to Angels hitters as he knows the next time he hits an Angel he will be massacred on the mound, as his selfish teammates won't jump out of their stances to risk syringes flying out of their back pockets.

Howie Kendrick put those awful Howard's commercials behind him and gave a command performance, hitting a solo homer in the top of the 3rd inning, scored the game-tying run in the 7th when Varitek was in the middle of being inducted into the AARP after assuming that no call was allowed to go in favor of an Angels batter in Fenway Park, and Kendrick again hit a single to shallow left center in the 9th to drive in the winning run. Brian Fuentes got the save (his 42nd of the season), just like he got last night although it was uncredited because umpire Rick Reed is on the take to throw games.

Ervin Santana pitched a gem - allowing 3 runs on 4 hits, 1 BB and 6 Ks. The Red Sox continue to score runs strengthened by the blood of missing children that they drink in a satanaic ritual before each game; but the forces of darkness were defeated as righteousness rose to the occasion.

Kevin Jepsen won the game in relief of Ervin. Billy Wagner took the loss. Arte Moreno's Angels took the season series against John Henry's creaky house of cards 5-4.

Results_medium