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Paper Angels: Bobby Valentine


I almost lost my virginity because of Bobby Valentine. Almost. Kind of like I bought a lottery ticket last week and almost won the Powerball jackpot. Almost is a son of a bitch. Anyway, being a 14 years-old boy, I also thought I might bust it with; a friend's live-in housekeeper, my social studies teacher, the girl at the 7-11 who touches my hand while giving me my change, and quite possibly any female between the ages of 13 and 39. However with Valentine it wasn't just a fantasy in my make believe lottery world, with Valentine I had the winning numbers. You see, Bobby Valentine was the favorite player of the cutest girl in my art class and I was the biggest Angels fan in the room.

Also in this art class was my best friend Robert. Robert was a good friend; however he was also kind of a dick. I was the kid in school who suffered from allergies and was the dork who was always blowing his nose in a handkerchief that I carried in my front pocket. Needless to say, I didn't have the best sense of smell and right around the same time I was working my nasally-toned magic on the cute girl, Robert was dropping ass. An epic ass-drop. And I was the only one who didn't smell it, which meant of course, I was the one who was blamed for it. I don't remember what the art teacher's name was, but I do remember she spoke with a thick German/Scandinavian accent, so when she said, "Now that Mr. Gardner has spoiled the air in the class", I remember the event with her in a Nazi uniform.

Oh, and the cute girl wasn't very impressed.

Anyway, Valentine ended up breaking his leg on the centerfield fence, and only played 175 games as an Angel. (Here are his career stats). And I remained a virgin (and non-lottery winner).