clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Happy Fourth of July

New, comments
Getty Images
Today is the 236th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the birth of America. The document is a persuasive presentation of the circumstances under which a people may form their own union and a list of grievances that drove the founding fathers to take such drastic action.

Here are my favorite eleven lines from that fabled document, authored primarily by Thomas Jefferson.

...a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We actually care about other peoples opinions so we are going to spell out why we want what we want.

...hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
First announcement that we were that global nice guy.

They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity.
You just know that Ben Franklin used this line to pick up married chicks.

A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
I wonder if they can get this to apply to AT&T.

We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence.
Word for word description of why I dumped Earthlink years ago.

...the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
Written over a century before the birth of John Wayne.

He (King George) has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.
YIKES! Who says British men were lazy lovers?

Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government.
Gosh, let's start a war with a line that reads like a plot summary of an episode of The Andy Griffith (RIP) Show.

...all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.
This explains why home plate umpires are not beaten in the head after making batters suffer with bad calls.

He (King George) is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
Do you get the feeling that George Lucas read this in the early 1970s?

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Walk off homeruns aspire to be this awesome.

Happy Independence Day!