During last night's game against the Padres, Danielle Shoemaker(wife of starting pitcher Matt Shoemaker) tweeted some invaluable information to all of her followers:
Watching your husband pitch is a natural laxative.— Danielle Shoemaker (@DanielleMShoe) May 27, 2015
Chronic constipation is something that afflicts a large portion of the population at large, let alone the Angels fan community. So you can see why this nugget of wisdom was so helpful. I'm sure many out there have tried various healing remedies for various ailments, going the big pharmaceutical route when perfectly safe and healthy Angels alternative medicine remedies are at their disposal. Well, taking a cue from Mrs. Shoemaker, I've decided to let the Angels fan population at large know the wealth of healing power this Angels team contains.
There are really countless Angels home remedies to choose from. How can you stop a throbbing tooth ache? Trying rubbing your hand with Mark Gubicza analysis. How do you cure poison ivy? Try rubbing it in Matt Joyce's morning oatmeal. How do you quiet a colicky baby? Have Chris Iannetta run the vacuum in the clubhouse. And that's just the beginning. Following are a few Angels alternative medicine cures for common ailments that may come in handy for you someday, or even save your life.
(NOTE: I'm not a doctor, although I did attend the University of Rangoon, as well as assorted night classes at the Knoville Tennessee School of Faith Healing)
Cure: Erick Aybar
Some say caffeine is a great cure for a common headache, but I submit that you can get the same affect from watching Erick Aybar play. If you've watched him play at all in the month of May, you'll know that his hitting from the leadoff spot can prove very productive at getting your heart rate going and blood circulating to the brain, hopefully alleviating any pain in that area. Watching him on the base paths can also mimic the affects of a couple cups of coffee, having you forgetting about your headache and instead getting focusing on the possibility of a run being score. On top of that, he also has the ability to swing at a pitch and still get hit in the nuggets, as evidenced above. This is a lesser known cure for a headache, but it works by transferring your pain from the head to down below. This is a last resort alternative cure, FYI.
Cure: Jered Weaver
If you find yourself getting scalded by some boiling water in the kitchen, or other such instances where you find yourself suffering burns at the household, just find some nice Jered Weaver starting pitching, and bathe in it for a few hours. Your burn will not only subside, but you will probably be impervious to future fire wounds, as well. Your friends will start calling you Mother of Dragons and it will all be due to luxuriating in some sweet Jered Weaver nectar.
Ailment: common cold
Cure: Kole Calhoun
This one is pretty simple: we all know that in order to stave off a common cold, or to cut a cold short, you need lots of Vitamin C. Well, Kole Calhoun provides that in spades. You get both Vitamin Kole and Vitamin Calhoun, as well as Vitamin DC(Diving Catch). The Red Baron is not only a killer in the outfield, but watch a few innings of him do his thing and your sniffles should start to go away in a few hours. Pictured above is Kole trying to administer some Vitamin Kole to an ailing Josh Hamilton.
Cure: Garrett Richards
Whenever I get a feeling of queasiness or nausea, I turn to a nice Garrett Richards starting pitching performance to settle myself down and stop the room from spinning. If you're feeling like this, or like you need to vomit, Richards can calm your stomach and keep your cookies from being tossed. He is (mostly) rock solid on the pitching mound, and thereby brings your bodily functions to homeostasis. Some people like to drink Pedialyte while watching Garrett Richards pitch, and have had miraculous affects. Also: if you are out on a boat and feel the motion sickness coming on, make sure you have a radio handy and if Garrett Richards is on the mound, your sea sickness will dissipate in a matter of minutes.
Cure: bottom of Angels batting order
This one is a slam dunk. I myself have no trouble going to sleep every night, but insomnia is no joke to many people in America. If you're an Angels fan, and suffer from this frustrating affliction, I recommend focusing your attention on Angels hitters like Matt Joyce, Chris Iannetta, David Freese or Marc Krauss. There will be minor blips on the hitting radar from time to time, but for the most part you will be lulled to sleep by the completely boring and incompetent 7-9 hitters. Don't mess with Ambien, and risk waking up next to multiple empty ice cream cartons, having no recollection of ever eating them. No, just watch the Angels bottom of the order go up to the plate and give you reliable and sleep-inducing ineffectiveness. A true miracle cure for a serious problem for many folks, all right there in your television set every night.
Ailment: Aches and pains
Cure: Mike Trout
Everyone knows this already, but I'd be remiss if I didn't include it: Mike Trout is a miracle drug. If you're having minor aches and pains, his play on both the field and at the plate have amazingly potent analgesic abilities. Watching him rob people of homers, hit bombs into the Trout Farm or make ridiculous slides into third base has been shown to relieve most causes of pain in the human body. It will help with arthritis, back pain, chest pain, pain of living in the 21st century, existentialist isolation trauma, and even cure erectile dysfunction. Beware, though. Mike Trout is habit forming. Do not overdo it, and do not administer Mike Trout while operating heavy machinery. If your Mike Trout high lasts for more than four hours, the worst thing you can do is quit it cold turkey. Your only option, if you should become dependent on Mike Trout, is to continue taking Mike Trout. You are now officially one of us.
If there are any Angels alternative medicine miracle cures I've missed, please let me know in the comments. Halos Heaven is here to help, people.