Justin Upton didn’t hit a HR into the Sherwin Williams paint can: An explainer

Last night, Justin Upton, who has been mashing baseballs with aplomb in the past week, continued his hot streak by hitting a home run into left-center during the ninth inning. It brought the Angels within three runs of the Indians, and it was hit really well, but outside of those two facts, there wasn’t really anything noteworthy about his jack.

Oh, I guess I could also mention that it bounced on the grass near the bullpen area, and after the big bounce, it landed in the famous Sherwin Williams paint can that sits in the Angels’ outfield area.

I almost forgot to mention this part because...well...because why would I? I actually rewound my DVR last night, as Upton was rounding the bases, because I had thought “WHOA, DID HE JUST DO WHAT I THINK HE DID?!”. Upon second viewing, I realized it BOUNCED into the paint can, and I immediately went back to the live game. You see, Sherwin Williams has had that paint bucket out there for a handful of years now, and they will donate $1 million to charity if a player hits a home run into the large, blue cylinder.

It’s pretty cool, and has never happened, so that’s why I rushed to find out if Upton had indeed pulled it off. Anyway, cut to me, this morning, waking up and seeing an article on ESPN, in which the headline said something along the lines of “Justin Upton’s home run wont count for $1 million prize” or something stupid like that. I don’t want to link to it, because it rewards stupid behavior.

Then, I saw the same article, just now it was on another baseball blog. Then, it was on GQ, and then local news stations picked it up and put it on their sites, and then it continued to get regurgitated over and over again...here we had the dumbest Angels-related take known to man (outside of “The Angels should trade Mike Trout”, of course), and every outlet was racing to their computers to put their iteration on their own site.

What the hell is going on here?!?!?

I figured many people must be confused, so I decided to write up an explainer on the subject. Here it goes:

JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS. JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS. JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS.

JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS. JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS.

JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS. JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS. JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS.

JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS. JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS. JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS.

Hopefully I’ve cleared this up for anybody that’s still confused about this or anybody that thinks Sherwin Williams is being a big old meanie and not honoring their deal. Remember: JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS.

You’re welcome.

Now, as for all those outlets that ran with this story, which by this afternoon had been shamelessly copy/pasted so much that even sites like Golf Digest were writing about it, hopefully they feel ashamed. Everybody from Barstool Sports to GQ to Fansided to SB Nation to Yahoo got together and formed a human centipede type of monstrosity, where they each shat out this overblown and/or purposely misconstrued story into the next outlet’s mouth, repeatedly, until the entire butt-to-mouth internet machine had plastered this dumb article all over the place.

Most of them even used the exact same picture of Justin Upton, too. It’d be super cringey, if it didn’t also make me blood red mad. Some are even calling this a PR nightmare for Sherwin Williams, regardless of the fact that the rules have stated from day 1 that the ball has to go into the can on the fly. You wouldn’t even have to show or read those rules to me, though, because I am a person with a functioning brain, therefore I already knew that’s how the promotion worked. The Sherwin Williams Centipede Squad disagrees, though.

Who is going to tell them about some of life’s other injustices? Like how if you get two numbers out of seven on your lottery ticket, you DON’T win the big jackpot. Can you believe that?!?! Did you also know that if you shoot a three-pointer in basketball, but your foot is over the three-point line, it only counts as two points?! INSANE! Yes, GQ, you can use those last two examples as ideas for tomorrow’s articles, free of charge.

So, that’s your explainer of this whole mess. I know it’s tricky, but next time you writers/fans get confused, just remember this: A PLAYER HAS TO HIT A HR INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN IN ORDER TO TRIGGER THE $1 MILLION DONATION TO CHARITY. JUSTIN UPTON DIDN’T HIT A HOME RUN INTO THE SHERWIN WILLIAMS PAINT CAN, THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO $1 MILLION PAYOUT TO CHARITY FROM SHERWIN WILLIAMS.