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Three years Eppler has been the GM, and three years we have borne witness to his mannerisms, tendencies, and most importantly of all, his product. As such, it is high time we converted some of our favorite Eppler memes into jokes to share with the whole family. This is not an attack on the Angels front office, but rather, an opportunity to extract some joy out of the last three sucky years the team has experienced.
Eppler walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
”I just don’t understand it, Joe,” Eppler begins. “I keep putting in all this effort, but I just can’t seem to pull out a winning season. Everyone keeps getting injured, and the division is tougher than ever.”
”Huh. That is a predicament. What do you wanna drink?”
”Oh nothing, thank you. My therapist just has a 20 dollar co-pay and I needed to get some things off my chest.”
Eppler doesn’t put pineapple on his pizza-- but not for lack of trying.
He tried to bid $1.30 for the pineapple, but the cashier just absolutely refused to drop the price from $2.75.
Billy Eppler pulls up on the side of the road. A left handed reliever walks up and looks inside. “You lookin’ for a bad season, hun?”
”How much?” Eppler asks with lust in his eyes.
”5 million AAV for anything you want baby,” the southpaw replies.
Eppler quickly rolls up the window and drives off. Looks like he’s sticking with Righty.
Brad Ausmus walks in to Eppler’s office and asks what he’s doing.
“Oh, just cranking out some memes, dude. Want to see?”
Ausmus’ face lights up. “Sure sir! I love me some dank memes!”
Eppler hands the new manager his phone and Ausmus’ grin falls into a confused grimace. “Um Billy, no one uses the Overly Attached Girlfriend template anymore...”
“This thing was huge just half a decade ago, and I’m confident that it’s gonna play a big role for us in 2019.”
What is the difference between Billy Eppler and Jerry Dipoto?
One is the GM of a terrible team with a long history of failure and the other is a Mariner!
Bryce Harper calls up Billy. “Yo dawg. I heard you dealt with Boras twice but didn’t even check up on me. What’s up with that?”
Eppler starts tripping over words and stuttering, not getting a single sentence out.
”Yo dude, just forget it.” Harper hangs up.
Eppler sets the phone back into the receiver and turns to Arte. “I think I scared him off.”
Arte sits down and wipes sweat from his brow. “Oh thank God. He isn’t even CLOSE to 30 yet.”
What is Andrelton Simmons’ favorite vegetable?
I don’t know. But if it’s lettuce, you can kiss his butt goodbye.
How do you know when Billy Eppler cooked your meal?
You pick it up on the flaiver wire.
Mama Eppler: Don’t forget to wear your jacket, sweety! You’ll catch a chill!
Little Billy: Fine, mom!
Little Billy grabs his brown paper bag out of the closet and puts it on.
In the interview for the GM position—
Arte: So William, if you could be any animal, what would you be?
Eppler: Ooh, that’s a tough one. I’d probably be a monkey, because I keep throwing shit out on the field.
What do you call it when Eppler has money to spend?
A raise for Arte.
For all the jokes about Billy being cheap, I think we can safely assume that he does not identify with Mr. Krabs.
Eppler would never spend money on something so extravagant as “a successful business.”
Eppler plays Dr. Mario when he gets spare time for Smash.
I mean, someone has to take the garbage, off-brand versions of what’s available.
What is Eppler’s favorite Korn song?
“Y’all Want A Single (Year Contract)”
The GMs were all playing at the Winter Meetings and being very loud and obnoxious.
Klentak, Cashman, and Hahn were all bickering over who was going to get Bryce Harper and Manny Machado for Christmas.
Neander was thinking about trading with Dipoto and Jerry was thinking about trading with literally every other kid in the place.
After days of this, Manfred lost his temper.
“That’s it! We are playing the Quiet Game!”
Little did they know that Little Billy was already playing... and winning.
Eppler is not a big fan of flying.
Once he’s on the plane, he’s always just waiting for the touchdown.
Mike Trout walked up to Billy Eppler. “Yo Epp” he asked. “When are you gonna give me something to convince me to re-sign?”
Eppler looked at Mike quizzically, not understanding the question.
”Mike, I’ve given you plenty to work with,” he started. “Don’t you see how much effort I’ve put in while also maintaining payroll flexibility to re-sign you?”
”Yeah, but the Phillies have a company Bugatti ready for me.”
”Fine, you can have that.”
“And they have my own private island with a beautiful mansion set up for me and ready to go.”
“Okay, we will get that done for you too.”
“And they have a private yacht and jet chartered so that I can come and go as I please.”
“Alright dude, that’s fine. We’ll do it all.”
“Cool! Guess I’m staying in Anaheim!” Trout thought for a moment. “Or you could just non-tender Cam Bedrosian instead...”
Anyway, Trout loves his new island.
Have any jokes of your own? Split our sides by leaving it in the comment section below!