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Angels take opener of trivial exhibition series against tryhard Dodgers on National Trout Day

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The Angels record remains at 0-0, but they move to 1-0 in our hearts.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Announce Mike Trout Contract Extension Photo by Jayne Kamin-Oncea/Getty Images

Angels 8 Dodgers 4

The villains didn’t go gently into that good night against the Angels this evening, and we are all left asking, “Why?”

Why expend so much effort only to embarrass yourselves? Why battle back by hook and by crook only to get absolutely slaughtered by Marsh and the Minors Mob? Are the Dodgers not aware that this game means nothing, and more importantly, that they just

S T I N K?

Now don’t get me wrong, I like Felix Pena. But let’s take his 9 strikeout performance across a miniscule 3.1 innings with a heap of salt. After all, he was pitching to the offensive equivalent of the Trash Pandas— and they don’t even exist yet! We might get a bit keen on this pitcher if we forget that it was the Dodgers. The Angels struck out 15 bluesers, and didn’t even break a sweat doing it.

Since the Dodgers had some kind of vested interest in winning this game, they would throw Ross “Chicken” Stripling out to try and hold back a ravenous Halo offense to no avail. In fact, this game was only worth watching because Andrelton Simmons and Jared Walsh conspired to let some runs score. It gets boring playing such a lopsided matchup, as you can imagine.

Brandon Marsh might be called the “panther” of the game against a ragtag group of what basically amounts to college bats and prep arms from L.A. His two-run single sealed the victory that the Angels didn’t even want. Pujols also lightly tapped a baseball that went 401 feet over the right-center fence for two runs.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter at all. The Angels’ real victory came a couple hours before the game started as Mike Trout’s 12-year contract extension was announced. No matter what the final score, no one could call today a win but us.