A modest proposal

Distressed would be the man who would compile a list of all the pitchers who have gone under the knife throughout history. It is no secret that throwing a sphere in excess of 90, 95, even 100 miles per hour is the baseball equivalent of sipping at bleach for a young man’s arm. Injuries have found a way to survive even as medicine improves daily.

The most cunning of these afflictions is the tearing of the UCL which often necessitates surgery of the elbow. Unfortunately, this team is not one of its great eluders. Countless Angel arms have needed the dreaded Tommy John Surgery, practically lining up to take their turn on the DL.

Although it was swatted off earlier this offseason, Shohei Ohtani, the Angels’ newest superstar-in-the-making does have a small tear that must be monitored. This may be a minor issue, but so-called, mild “fatigue” and “soreness” has laid waste to its fair share of Anaheim pitchers. Prudence calls for preemptive action.

And so I, with humility, do submit to William Eppler my own personal thoughts on how best to combat this tearing of tendons.

Japanese robotics have become somewhat of a legend in the Americas and for good reason. Technology out of the Far East nation has only improved at an exponential pace and has culminated in androids that play baseball. If machines are now so advanced that they might have the precision and timing to hit a ball, they would be able to throw one with ease. Thus, it is time for Shohei Ohtani to take to the operating table and pioneer as the first cyborg in Major League Baseball.

It goes without saying that a half-man, half-machine who needs to maintain both accuracy and power would not be cheap. Who better to lead the way in baseball robotics than not-so-thrifty billionaire Arte Moreno? Not only does he have the means, but the savings on hospital bills (think of all the DLs that he wouldn’t be put on!) would be tremendous. Further recuperating expenses on Cyborg Ohtani would be rather easy, as games would sell out, the fans turning out in droves for their Terminator representative.

Nevertheless, the vital point is that Ohtani would not be able to suffer a UCL tear, the ligament being altogether removed in favor of cold, hard surgical-grade 316L stainless steel. It could be argued that cutting out the majority of the human element would be wise, as the meatbags are squishy and not particularly well-adapted to the harsh environs of baseball. Hopefully with time, more players will be mostly eviscerated and their feeble, emotion-ridden brains replaced with Central Processing Units. The future robot umps would then be a nice aesthetic complement to the mostly robotic players.

There is a physical boost to the player too. Pathetic humans are supposedly subject to about 100 Newton-meters of torque on the arm when pitching at their max capacity. A mechanical arm, on the other hand, would be able to handle much more torque and the pitching speed would only benefit. Shohei Ohtani would be a lock for the Cy Borg Young!

There are those who will object, as always, to such advancements in the state of the game. They will argue that mechanical arms count as “performance-enhancers,” that such gameplay is unnatural, and that the Andromechanical Master Race must be overthrown for their “oppression” and “genocide of humanity.”

It is in the interest of baseball, though, that we must press on. It is not for my sake, nor for yours, but for the game’s. I receive no monetary compensation from my iron overseers, and the chances of the cybernetic half of the pitchers taking over the human side and rampaging through the city are slim to none.

You are completely safe from this, especially if you assimilate: